Relationships chat with Rita & Clare
Rita and Clare from askTheSite came to live chat and answered your questions on long distance relationships, asking someone out and dealing with your partners ex.
curly boy: I've fallen really hard for this girl from college, and I've wanted to ask her out for ages. Some mates and I were talking and they were saying that she just likes me as a friend. I really want to talk to her but I'm scared of making the friendship awkward. I know roughly what I want to say but I have no idea what this would do to our friendship. I know I have to do this if I'm going to be able to move on especially now I know her feelings (though I'm still slightly sceptical). Any advice on how to bring it up with her?
Clare: Hi there. It sounds like you have decided that you want to talk to her about it, but you're quite uncertain about how to actually go about doing that. As you are already friends, this could actually be easier than if you didn't know her at all.
Perhaps choose a time when your mates arent around? Its times like this when things will seem like more of a big deal, rumours can start going through mates and things can get confused.
Rita: Im not sure if youve had a look at some of the articles on TheSite but you may find it useful to have a look at this one on asking someone out.
Clare: Another thing you could think about is writing things down. It can be easier to get things right if you have time to plan beforehand. You could even give her a letter or send her an email and ask if she wants to talk about it sometime.
kat: Ive been seeing this guy for months and when I went to visit him at university, all his housemates accidentally heard us having sex. They didnt knock on the door or say anything while I was there but said something to him afterwards instead.
He lives with his ex girlfriend (as well as others, they only went out for three months) and when I visited she didnt say a word to me and scowled at me a lot. I didnt think much of it because I understand that she still likes him.
However, since the sex incident shes been saying really nasty things about me. Apparently I make her feel sick even though she hasnt said a word to me and doesnt even know me! Im going up this weekend and Im worried about her because she keeps saying nasty things.
How should I handle it? Also, my guy isnt much use because he doesnt like confrontation and doesnt tell me much about what she says, just that its very nasty.
Clare: Hi Kat. That does sound like hard work. Managing exes in new relationships can be one of the most difficult things, especially when they still live together.
kat: Im thinking that he doesnt defend me when shes saying nasty things because otherwise shed stop right?
PreciousAndLoveIt: Aww, that's bad.
david17: Yeah, that sucks.
Rita: Hi Kat. Firstly, you haven't done anything wrong. It sounds like maybe your boyfriend cant handle the situation very well. Have you thought about approaching the ex and talking to her, just the two of you?
Clare: It might be difficult but its a conversation that might be worth having to let her know that youre aware its awkward, but that you really like him and would like to find a way to get along.
Rita: If the two of you were to meet somewhere away from your boyfriend and his housemates you may find it easier to deal with.
kat: Maybe, my mum said I should do that, but she clearly doesnt want to speak to me. Last time I went up she didnt even say hello when I was introduced to her. She just stared at me. I know its not great to hear your ex having sex with someone but I didnt mean her to! Im not the first person thats happened to right? Shall I just deal with what happens when Im there? I cant do anything when Im not and shes not saying it to my face.
Clare: Of course youre not the first person this has happened to. Ideally this is a situation that your boyfriend should try and sort out as it isnt very fair that you are in this position. Its good that you are trying to resolve it though. Perhaps try and make some sort of connection with her so she sees you as a person and not just someone to be angry and jealous of.
Rita: Its hard to deal with anything when you are not there so seeing how things go might be a good idea. You could gauge it when you are there and if she is up for talking to you then great. If not, then maybe give it some time and see what happens.
Kat: Thank you all for making me feel better and that Ive done nothing wrong (except for the accidental incident).
Big Gay: Is your boyfriend taking any notice of what she's saying?
Clare: Like you say kat, it was an accident. And yes I think Big Gay has a point, perhaps you need to talk to your boyfriend and explain how you are finding this hard.
kat: I think he likes her as a friend and doesnt want to make it awkward in his house. Im going to just say to him Im finding it hard though.
Rita : Its all well and good that he wants her as a friend and wants to avoid conflict but he does need to acknowledge how this is making you feel as well.
Clare: This article on communication as a couple has some good tips on talking to boyfriends. You might find that, after a while, things get easier and she is just finding it hard to adjust to the new situation. Youre dealing with it very maturely yourself, at least you can look back and think that you did the best you could.
kat: Do you think the hearing us having sex thing is something you cant apologise for but will taint their opinion of me for good? You can probably tell; Im very embarrassed.
Rita: I can imagine that its embarrassing for you but it shouldnt taint their opinion of you. Lots of people make noise when they are having sex and Im sure they have heard others at it! Its what comes with living in shared accommodation. You could be honest with the housemates and tell them you are embarrassed about what happened. If you feel it needs to be said, just get it out in the open maybe?
PreciousAndLoveIt: Yeah Id be embarrassed too but at the end of the day you're all adults and there's no shame in it. Shes the one with the problem not you.
kat: Its such a relief to hear that.
Big Gay: I think her problem is that you are having sex, not that she heard it.
"Even though you dont want to upset him, long distance relationships are hard work and you'll both need to adjust and acknowledge how each other are feeling."
Rita: Good point, the ex could well be feeling jealous but Kat, you shouldnt feel guilty about this.
PreciousAndLoveIt : Yeah I agree. It'll just be the thought of her ex with a new woman. That's her only problem. If she isn't decent enough to even try and be nice then it's not your problem. It's all on her. I know it wasn't easy seeing my boyfriend with another girl but I was nice and we became friends which actually made it easier to deal with.
Clare: Its really just about being aware of the fact she is struggling but also not letting it get in the way of the time with your partner. Try and put her behaviour to one side if it doesnt get any easier and hopefully in time she will become more accepting.
With regards to the sex and flatmates thing, its so common its even in this article. Have a look at the 'randy rabbits/first three months' paragraphs :)
kat: Thank you everyone!
Rita: Hope that has been helpful Kat. Does anyone else have any other questions?
david17: A day after me and my ex split up, her and my best friend started going out. Is it my fault?
Clare: Do you mean the fact you broke up was your fault? Or that she has started going out with your best friend?
Rita: Either way this must be a hard time for you.
david17: Is it my fault that shes ended up with my best friend?
Rita: Its hard to see how it could be your fault. Love triangles like this are never easy. Regardless of why you and this girl broke up, it seems very soon for her to be starting a new relationship. Is there anything that makes you think it is your fault?
Clare: Perhaps after a few days you could talk to your ex and get more of a sense of whats going on between them. It sounds like she could be quite confused about what she really wants. Your best friend will no doubt be important to you too, hopefully hell be willing to talk things through as well.
PreciousAndLoveIt: In the summer my boyfriend went off to university and the only contact I have with him is around 10-30mins chatting online. I saw him almost every day when he was at home and he's basically my best friend. Since he's been gone I've seen him for a couple of hours three times in total. I dont know what it is but I seem to really dislike him when he's not here. I was so excited to see him when he came back but the second he left I slipped back into resenting him. It's getting kinda bad now.
Clare: Hi PreciousAndLoveIt, that sounds so hard. University is always a challenge for relationships. Its good to hear you are getting advice though. If you can work through this, it can only make you stronger as a couple. Its always much harder being the one left behind, imagining what they are up to and getting envious. Its probably not him you dislike but rather the situation.
Rita: Have you spoken to him to let him know how youre feeling? Is there any way that you can increase the time you spend together perhaps? It sounds like you may need to keep yourself busy and distracted from the fact that he is away.
Clare: Its easy to get resentful of him for no real reason when you don't have the contact with him and you have nothing else to think about.
PreciousAndLoveIt: I haven't spoken to him about it because I don't want to upset him. He tries to make time to talk to me and stuff but he's never been home to see me at the weekend like he promised. He's always got better things to do like parties with his roommates.
Rita: It must be hard trying to balance wanting to see him and wanting him to be happy at university but you need to think about yourself and what would make you happy too. Even though you dont want to upset him, long distance relationships are hard work and youll both need to adjust and acknowledge how each other are feeling.
PreciousAndLoveIt: Yeah, I know he's having so much fun there and I don't want to get in the way of that.
Clare: Instead of blaming him for doing something wrong or making you upset, you could try and see it as something you both need to work out together - how to make this work long distance?
Rita: Will he be home for Christmas? It might be a nice time for the two of you to talk face to face instead of over the phone.
PreciousAndLoveIt: Yeah thanks. He will be and he's back for a month or so (they have ridiculously long holidays) which he'll be spending working and I'll be revising for my exams then. But we should have a fair bit of time together.
Clare: He won't be so caught up in all the university stuff then and can re-focus on you. The first term is always the most exciting! Youre doing so well at putting yourself in his shoes but perhaps ask him to put himself in yours a bit?
PreciousAndLove it: Thank you Clare and Rita.
Clare: I hope that is some help and you manage to sort it out. It's always a difficult time to adjust to.
PreciousAndLoveIt: It's nice to have voiced it a bit.
Rita: Better out than in :)
Jo7: Thanks for your questions everyone.
Clare: Thanks guys!
Rita: Thanks and remember you can ask a question to a relationships adviser anytime via askTheSite.
Relationships chat with Rita & Clare
Rita and Clare from askTheSite came to live chat and answered your questions on long distance relationships, asking someone out and dealing with your partners ex.
curly boy: I've fallen really hard for this girl from college, and I've wanted to ask her out for ages. Some mates and I were talking and they were saying that she just likes me as a friend. I really want to talk to her but I'm scared of making the friendship awkward. I know roughly what I want to say but I have no idea what this would do to our friendship. I know I have to do this if I'm going to be able to move on especially now I know her feelings (though I'm still slightly sceptical). Any advice on how to bring it up with her?
Clare: Hi there. It sounds like you have decided that you want to talk to her about it, but you're quite uncertain about how to actually go about doing that. As you are already friends, this could actually be easier than if you didn't know her at all.
Perhaps choose a time when your mates arent around? Its times like this when things will seem like more of a big deal, rumours can start going through mates and things can get confused.
Rita: Im not sure if youve had a look at some of the articles on TheSite but you may find it useful to have a look at this one on asking someone out.
Clare: Another thing you could think about is writing things down. It can be easier to get things right if you have time to plan beforehand. You could even give her a letter or send her an email and ask if she wants to talk about it sometime.
kat: Ive been seeing this guy for months and when I went to visit him at university, all his housemates accidentally heard us having sex. They didnt knock on the door or say anything while I was there but said something to him afterwards instead.
He lives with his ex girlfriend (as well as others, they only went out for three months) and when I visited she didnt say a word to me and scowled at me a lot. I didnt think much of it because I understand that she still likes him.
However, since the sex incident shes been saying really nasty things about me. Apparently I make her feel sick even though she hasnt said a word to me and doesnt even know me! Im going up this weekend and Im worried about her because she keeps saying nasty things.
How should I handle it? Also, my guy isnt much use because he doesnt like confrontation and doesnt tell me much about what she says, just that its very nasty.
Clare: Hi Kat. That does sound like hard work. Managing exes in new relationships can be one of the most difficult things, especially when they still live together.
kat: Im thinking that he doesnt defend me when shes saying nasty things because otherwise shed stop right?
PreciousAndLoveIt: Aww, that's bad.
david17: Yeah, that sucks.
Rita: Hi Kat. Firstly, you haven't done anything wrong. It sounds like maybe your boyfriend cant handle the situation very well. Have you thought about approaching the ex and talking to her, just the two of you?
Clare: It might be difficult but its a conversation that might be worth having to let her know that youre aware its awkward, but that you really like him and would like to find a way to get along.
Rita: If the two of you were to meet somewhere away from your boyfriend and his housemates you may find it easier to deal with.
kat: Maybe, my mum said I should do that, but she clearly doesnt want to speak to me. Last time I went up she didnt even say hello when I was introduced to her. She just stared at me. I know its not great to hear your ex having sex with someone but I didnt mean her to! Im not the first person thats happened to right? Shall I just deal with what happens when Im there? I cant do anything when Im not and shes not saying it to my face.
Clare: Of course youre not the first person this has happened to. Ideally this is a situation that your boyfriend should try and sort out as it isnt very fair that you are in this position. Its good that you are trying to resolve it though. Perhaps try and make some sort of connection with her so she sees you as a person and not just someone to be angry and jealous of.
Rita: Its hard to deal with anything when you are not there so seeing how things go might be a good idea. You could gauge it when you are there and if she is up for talking to you then great. If not, then maybe give it some time and see what happens.
Kat: Thank you all for making me feel better and that Ive done nothing wrong (except for the accidental incident).
Big Gay: Is your boyfriend taking any notice of what she's saying?
Clare: Like you say kat, it was an accident. And yes I think Big Gay has a point, perhaps you need to talk to your boyfriend and explain how you are finding this hard.
kat: I think he likes her as a friend and doesnt want to make it awkward in his house. Im going to just say to him Im finding it hard though.
Rita : Its all well and good that he wants her as a friend and wants to avoid conflict but he does need to acknowledge how this is making you feel as well.
Clare: This article on communication as a couple has some good tips on talking to boyfriends. You might find that, after a while, things get easier and she is just finding it hard to adjust to the new situation. Youre dealing with it very maturely yourself, at least you can look back and think that you did the best you could.
kat: Do you think the hearing us having sex thing is something you cant apologise for but will taint their opinion of me for good? You can probably tell; Im very embarrassed.
Rita: I can imagine that its embarrassing for you but it shouldnt taint their opinion of you. Lots of people make noise when they are having sex and Im sure they have heard others at it! Its what comes with living in shared accommodation. You could be honest with the housemates and tell them you are embarrassed about what happened. If you feel it needs to be said, just get it out in the open maybe?
PreciousAndLoveIt: Yeah Id be embarrassed too but at the end of the day you're all adults and there's no shame in it. Shes the one with the problem not you.
kat: Its such a relief to hear that.
Big Gay: I think her problem is that you are having sex, not that she heard it.
Rita: Good point, the ex could well be feeling jealous but Kat, you shouldnt feel guilty about this.
PreciousAndLoveIt : Yeah I agree. It'll just be the thought of her ex with a new woman. That's her only problem. If she isn't decent enough to even try and be nice then it's not your problem. It's all on her. I know it wasn't easy seeing my boyfriend with another girl but I was nice and we became friends which actually made it easier to deal with.
Clare: Its really just about being aware of the fact she is struggling but also not letting it get in the way of the time with your partner. Try and put her behaviour to one side if it doesnt get any easier and hopefully in time she will become more accepting.
With regards to the sex and flatmates thing, its so common its even in this article. Have a look at the 'randy rabbits/first three months' paragraphs :)
kat: Thank you everyone!
Rita: Hope that has been helpful Kat. Does anyone else have any other questions?
david17: A day after me and my ex split up, her and my best friend started going out. Is it my fault?
Clare: Do you mean the fact you broke up was your fault? Or that she has started going out with your best friend?
Rita: Either way this must be a hard time for you.
david17: Is it my fault that shes ended up with my best friend?
Rita: Its hard to see how it could be your fault. Love triangles like this are never easy. Regardless of why you and this girl broke up, it seems very soon for her to be starting a new relationship. Is there anything that makes you think it is your fault?
Clare: Perhaps after a few days you could talk to your ex and get more of a sense of whats going on between them. It sounds like she could be quite confused about what she really wants. Your best friend will no doubt be important to you too, hopefully hell be willing to talk things through as well.
PreciousAndLoveIt: In the summer my boyfriend went off to university and the only contact I have with him is around 10-30mins chatting online. I saw him almost every day when he was at home and he's basically my best friend. Since he's been gone I've seen him for a couple of hours three times in total. I dont know what it is but I seem to really dislike him when he's not here. I was so excited to see him when he came back but the second he left I slipped back into resenting him. It's getting kinda bad now.
Clare: Hi PreciousAndLoveIt, that sounds so hard. University is always a challenge for relationships. Its good to hear you are getting advice though. If you can work through this, it can only make you stronger as a couple. Its always much harder being the one left behind, imagining what they are up to and getting envious. Its probably not him you dislike but rather the situation.
Rita: Have you spoken to him to let him know how youre feeling? Is there any way that you can increase the time you spend together perhaps? It sounds like you may need to keep yourself busy and distracted from the fact that he is away.
Clare: Its easy to get resentful of him for no real reason when you don't have the contact with him and you have nothing else to think about.
PreciousAndLoveIt: I haven't spoken to him about it because I don't want to upset him. He tries to make time to talk to me and stuff but he's never been home to see me at the weekend like he promised. He's always got better things to do like parties with his roommates.
Rita: It must be hard trying to balance wanting to see him and wanting him to be happy at university but you need to think about yourself and what would make you happy too. Even though you dont want to upset him, long distance relationships are hard work and youll both need to adjust and acknowledge how each other are feeling.
PreciousAndLoveIt: Yeah, I know he's having so much fun there and I don't want to get in the way of that.
Clare: Instead of blaming him for doing something wrong or making you upset, you could try and see it as something you both need to work out together - how to make this work long distance?
Rita: Will he be home for Christmas? It might be a nice time for the two of you to talk face to face instead of over the phone.
PreciousAndLoveIt: Yeah thanks. He will be and he's back for a month or so (they have ridiculously long holidays) which he'll be spending working and I'll be revising for my exams then. But we should have a fair bit of time together.
Clare: He won't be so caught up in all the university stuff then and can re-focus on you. The first term is always the most exciting! Youre doing so well at putting yourself in his shoes but perhaps ask him to put himself in yours a bit?
PreciousAndLove it: Thank you Clare and Rita.
Clare: I hope that is some help and you manage to sort it out. It's always a difficult time to adjust to.
PreciousAndLoveIt: It's nice to have voiced it a bit.
Rita: Better out than in :)
Jo7: Thanks for your questions everyone.
Clare: Thanks guys!
Rita: Thanks and remember you can ask a question to a relationships adviser anytime via askTheSite.