Campus tribes

The university campus is a jungle; only the fittest survive and most keep to their own species. So what kinds of beast are lurking out there?

Modern jocks

Unlike the traditional rugger-buggers of old, this new breed are not ashamed to show their feminine side. They cry when their team loses. But watch out, they are still hairy, muscle-bound, beer-swilling monsters who will happily kick the shit out of anyone who looks at them funny. And that's just the girls' hockey team.

Merry spinsters

The natural evolution of the old politically-aware ranters. Today's spinsters have lovely clothes, hair and teeth, and are mates with everybody. They want you to elect them into official posts, and always run on the 'independent' ticket because they have no political convictions at all. One or two years in a sabbatical post fiddling expenses will do nicely, then it's a matter of turning those contacts into a plum job in PR, the music industry, or fundraising.

Club kids

Always having it large, the club kids are the shiny happy party people who came to university to have nothing but fun. You can spot them a mile off, boys with spiky hair and girls with lots of bunches, and designer trainers that fall apart after three weeks of use. They always tell you they had an amaaazing time at this cool new club last night, hoping that you don't know the reality. (The sound system packed in at 11pm and they spent their last 30 quid on dog-worming tablets).

Slackers

Generally marine biology or geography students, they will walk around wearing their favourite crumpled flares, a loud Hawaiian shirt and vacant grin. Often seen with a skateboard in one hand and the keys to their VW in the other, they will make you think they skip all their lectures to go surfing, when really they are cramming in the library. This species is frequently spotted dancing wildly at funk nights and they will know all the best parties come summer time. While they hope to be a professional snowboarder when they grow up, you will probably find them working as business executives, complete with pinstripe suit and corporate haircut.

Super-sensibles

These guys almost didn't go to university because they thought they couldn't afford it. But they took a year off after A-levels, worked hard and saved, and now they're fitting two part-time jobs in around their lectures. They mainly take vocational subjects because they know they will be employable after graduation. Kind of puts the foot on the fun brakes, worrying about debts. They work hard on their studies but are often too tired to concentrate, and have almost no time for a social life. The result is a minimal overdraft coupled with high blood pressure and an ulcer.

Pretend-poors

Students in this category have also taken a year off before coming to college. Only this lot were off in India 'finding themselves' in the best hotels, with Daddy's platinum card. Despite their very generous allowance, they are the most likely ones to complain of being broke. It is quite common to have Saffron and Giles crying on your shoulder on Thursday because they can't afford the rent, and then asking what you think of their new car on Saturday.

Older and wiser

As they are only too keen to remind you, these people have already been in the 'real world', in fact, they were earning a crust as a 9-to-5er while you were just a twinkle in your dad's eye. They are mature students. Mature students fit into two main sub-categories: the twin-set wearing hobbyists (middle aged women who thought a course in Greek history might be interesting), and the bitter blokes (men left behind by technology advances and in need of retraining). Whatever the case, they'll hog tutorials and make you feel bad about pissing your allowance away in the union.