Your tent or mine?
Tents have a number of advantages when it comes to a quick romp at a festival, including privacy of some sort, hopefully some condoms to hand and shelter from the rain. The more athletic sexual positions are out of the question, unless you want to bang your head on the ridge pole and collapse your temporary home.
Remember the super-thin walls of your tent will allow your neighbours to hear every word and breath and if you’re camped out near to your mates they’ll remember your mid-bonk mutterings forever if you don’t keep the noise down. And another tasty tip: if it’s night-time think twice about leaving your torch on – you’ll be providing an entertaining silhouette show for every passer-by.
In the mosh pit
Bodies slamming together, standing close up in the crowd most of the time… who will notice you slipping one in from behind? Well, the other people who are being crushed up against you might, but they can hardly run away. You might also get trampled while your mind is on other things or even miss your favourite band. Nonetheless, your moans and screams should be drowned out by the crowd and the music.
Among the druids
When the boys in blue finally turn up to arrest you for outrageous public indecency you can say it was sex majik to consecrate the sacred space. If you’re lucky they’ll take pity on you, mistake you for a gibbering acid-crazed lunatics and you’ll escape a caution or a trip down the station.
If you’re even luckier there will be so many other rutting couples doing the wild thing in the same field that by the time the coppers get around to warning you you’ll be long gone and laughing. Choose long grass for cover and watch out for sharp stones on the ground, falling unicyclists, and passing trainee jugglers dropping flaming batons.
Up a tree
This one will get you out of the mud and hopefully there will be enough foliage to cover your modesty. Tree sex has a nice ‘back to nature’ vibe, but positions will be limited – you’ll be hanging on to the tree and your significant other for dear life.
In the portaloos
This one is for serious perverts or desperados only. And you’re holding up the queue, you bastards!
Photo of feet poking out of tent by Shutterstock
Updated on 29-Sep-2015