Why fake an orgasm?

There are loads of reasons. We're knackered. We're not turned on. We're bored. We don't want to hurt someone's feelings. Maybe we don't know what makes us come - and neither does our partner who's been ferreting away down there for ages.

Women and faking it

A massive 60% of women will drop a bogus O. "Women will often fake orgasm - sometimes into their 30s - before ever having a genuine one because they don't know what they need to get off," explains sex therapist Rachel Morris. "Getting there is tricky, so we'll also fake it to protect our partner's ego - especially if our partner isn't massively experienced." she says.

Why men fake orgasms

Male fakers are rarer because getting there's a whole lot simpler - once your tackle's involved, coming's virtually as inevitable as Christmas. "With men, faking it's 90% psychological," says Rachel. "Guilt, fear of getting you pregnant, and past relationship issues may not stop a man getting hard but can affect ejaculation, so men fake because they don't want to disappoint. Never think it's because they don't fancy you," she says.

Pornography: Its effect on your orgasm

Porn is a huge factor in the fake stakes. "It's where most of us nowadays learn what we think sex should be like," says Rachel. And if we're basing our performances on King Dong: The Return, nothing but 200 decibel screamers will prove that everyone's having a hot time. Not true.

Research at Temple University has shown that making some noise during sex can actually turn you both on more, but that shouldn't come at the cost of you both getting off for real. "For men, everything is ejaculation led, but for women it's more than that," says Rachel. So only scream/pant/shout obscenities if you feel like it. Or if, hopefully, you're having such a good time you just can't help it.

When it's OK to fake

If you're not in a relationship and you want the sex to finish because you're not into it, it's never a shameful option, reckons Rachel. But in a relationship, it's rarely OK. Things quickly get complicated and faking can be a hard habit to break if your partner thinks they're giving you constant wall-to-wall yell-fests.

What's going to help me orgasm?

If you're faking because you don't know how to come, or masturbation's orgasmic but sex isn't (true for 35% of women), there's stuff you can do. "The key to better, more regular orgasm is MORE masturbation!" says Rachel. "Buy a clitoral vibrator and one for inside you so that you can explore." Uncover your hotspots, and then share that information in a way that suits you. Sleeping with a new partner? Great: you can start with a clean sex slate. "Oral is orgasmic for 80% of women," says Rachel. "But many can't relax, worried that their partners don't want to be doing it."

If you're a man and you're worried she's faking, try stimulating your partner to orgasm without having penetrative sex. It it's not happening, check on your technique with her. Alternatively explain that you want to make her happy and ask her to show you what she wants.

Confessing to a faked orgasm

Rather than just a casual, "by the way love, I fake it," try sneaking in the moves you now know work for you. And if you want something, ask! Its criticism, not instruction our partners dislike. "Suggest getting experimental because you read something on how to have more orgasms - few men will refuse," says Dr. Lori Boul, author of DIY Sex and Relationship Therapy. Or move their hand or body to where you want it - that's a huge turn on too.

If you must confess, play it down and have the reason ready. Try saying something like: "Sometimes I may have faked it because..." Be creative if you have to, but make sure it's believable. "Your partner will want a good reason why - and what you want instead," warns Rachel.

Trusting your partner

If you can't face 'fessing up then be prepared for the backlash. "Faking can cause physical, psychological and relationship problems," says Dr. Boul. "If you're not turned on, you won't be lubricated enough, which can be painful. This could lead to either of you avoiding sex, which will affect your relationship and sexual confidence," she says.

Knowing that this person wants to be here, with you, doing this, should help you let go - and relaxing is key to orgasm. Communication and trust is the easiest way to reach the big fat O. If you feel you need help with this, don't be afraid to seek it. Relate offers relationship and sex therapy, or the couple connection website offers advice on all sorts of relationship issues.

Updated: 04/01/2012

Debbie Willimott