The case against

Spike Robinson has had enough of money-grabbing sods trying to get their hands on the contents of his wallet all in the name of romance. He knows what love looks like and it doesn't come in a heart-shaped box.

If I could get my hands on the evil schmuck who turned a quiet little mid-February day into the worldwide shopping phenomenon it is now - well it wouldn't be pretty. Not that I've got much chance; Valentine's Day has been an Official Shopping Day for decades so the guy (or girl) who first saw dollar signs in love hearts probably croaked it years ago. Very, very rich.

Yeah yeah - I'm a miserable old bastard I know, but that's only because I can see this schmaltzy garbage for what it really is. The rest of you fools who are out shopping for overpriced heart-shaped boxes of chocolates and bank-breaking bunches of roses need to wake up - you're being sucked in here, and majorly.

Like all these big shopping occasions, Valentine's Day had humble beginnings. Although its origins are a bit hazy, historians agree that it has something to do with a Catholic bloke, some soldiers, a hot babe and a love-letter. Possibly. No mention of romantic weekend breaks or expensive candle-lit dinner here. Oh no, it's the shopkeepers and marketing managers who brought this commercial hell upon us.

The result? Cash-strapped blokes go further into overdraft just to make their girly feel wanted. It's without doubt the worst day of the year to show your love for your partner; everything costs three times as much as it normally does. Meanwhile, florists piss themselves with gratitude as their pockets fill with cash; restaurant owners cackle with delight as desperate gimps haggle for their best table; confectionary shop owners skip merrily straight to the travel agents to book their winter holidays, using your hard-earned money.

I don't leave the house on Valentine's Day; if I did, I'd have to carry a bucket. All those cooing couples make me want to puke. If it was real, spur-of-the-moment love it would be fine but it's not, it's manufactured affection and inside their head.

Anyway, all you need to do is talk my girlfriend about real romance: for us, every day is Valentine's Day. Just this morning I gave her a peck on the cheek for making my breakfast. That's true love.

"Florists piss themselves with gratitude as their pockets fill with cash and restaurant owners cackle with delight as desperate gimps haggle for their best table."