If you're both at it hammer-and-tongs, there may come a moment when it all gets a little too complicated, a bit like trying to rub your stomach and pat your head at the same time. Sometimes that's fun but it can get plain annoying too.

What's the problem?

If you're a good lover you will naturally take as much interest in your partner's pleasure as your own, and that's a good thing. However, it's easy to fall into the trap of worrying so much about your partner that you don't take care of your own needs.

There may be a little insecurity that creeps in, where you feel that your prowess as a lover rests solely upon your partner having an orgasm, and that this is entirely your responsibility. Or you may have been conditioned from birth to put the wants and needs of others before your own, which is common with women, which may lead to unfulfilling sex and resentment later.

On the other hand, you may find it difficult to receive pleasure. This could be caused by many things, including shyness, guilt, stress, feeling unworthy of attention, or other worries. Or perhaps the complicated process of giving and receiving just confuses your senses, and makes it difficult to concentrate on either process.

Over to you

You can try the ideas below if you have any of the problems above, but it's also a great way of heating up your lovelife by introducing a bit more variety. Even long-term lovers can find out new things about themselves or their partners.

• Tell your partner that one sexy evening next week is just for them, all they have to do is turn up and enjoy it.
• Set the mood with their favourite food, a massage, or by wearing something you know they like.
• Ask them what would really turn them on, and try it (within reason!). Let your partner relax and soak up all the sensations while you focus on them.
• Tell them not to worry about having to please you, that can wait for another day.
• Afterwards, agree on a date when it's your turn to be pampered and pleased.
• Communication is key here, be honest and tell them what you really like. Also, don't be afraid to tell them if there's something you dislike, or don't want to do.

Updated: 13/01/2009