Vexed virgin
Question
I've never had a relationship and I'm 20. I can't explain how frustrated and sad this is making me feel. Not only have I never found the relationship I'm looking for, I still haven't even kissed a girl and it's making me feel inadequate.
Is there anything I can do to feel more confident before I end up so bitter no one will ever love me?
Answer
Firstly, although it can seem like everything (from going out to what's on TV) is geared up for couples and excludes single people, this isn't really true. There is absolutely nothing unusual or wrong with being a 20 year old virgin so try not to be so hard on yourself, it will only make you feel worse.
Of course, everyone wants to feel attractive to others, and you may be experiencing a certain amount of sexual frustration, which can make the situation seem really urgent. But one of the reasons why you may not have got it together with anyone yet is you want to feel genuinely attracted to someone before you make a move. If this is the case, good on you; your experiences will be far more fulfilling in the long run.
If a lack of confidence is holding you back, remember that most of us are somewhat self-conscious. When trying to find romance, most of us put on a bit of an act in order to hide our insecurities and to protect ourselves from being hurt. Perhaps you need to find your inner actor and pretend you have some confidence when you're socialising. It's not a matter of being fake, just a way to overcome low self-esteem by playing to your strengths. It's not easy, but it may help you meet many new people. It might be worth trying it out a few times when you're in a fairly safe setting, such as your local pub with some mates.
When you feel a bit more comfortable asserting yourself you can then start speaking to girls you find attractive in any setting such as work, college or clubs, etc. If you have any particular interests or hobbies that bring you into contact with other people, try it out there as well. In that kind of setting you're more likely to meet someone you have things in common with.
It's also important you don't feel you have to immediately jump into a serious relationship as soon as you meet someone. It's a good idea to get to know each other first, and you don't want to scare people off by being too intense too soon. Your time will come; just try and be patient, kind and assertive, and have some fun while you're at it.
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