Under pressure
Question
I'm 16 and I'm having a bit of a dilemma. I'm currently going out with a 23 year-old guy. Up until now he's really treated me with respect, especially as I'm a virgin. There's just one problem: I'm moving away and we probably won't see each other for about a year.
He says he can't cope with the idea that I might meet someone else whilst I'm away. He doesn't mind being away from me but he needs to know how much I love him before I go. He's told me the only way he will know I love him and no one else is if I lose my virginity to him.
All this has really confused me. I don't know whether he really wants me or if he wants to take advantage of the fact that I'm a virgin. What should I do? I don't want to end up losing my virginity and then regret what I did.
Answer
Your boyfriend seems to have been very responsive and mature so far in the relationship but with your imminent move, perhaps he feels threatened and worried that he may lose you. Maybe this is why he's put you in a difficult situation by asking you to lose your virginity to show how much you love him.
Sex is a choice. This means that, whoever you're with, any kind of sexual activity has to be a joint agreement - something you both consent to rather than something you're doing just because you feel you should. So, if you're not entirely comfortable with losing your virginity, it's worth waiting until you feel totally ready. It is possible your boyfriend is thinking more about himself and his needs than you and your needs at the moment. When it comes to first time sex it's important you're totally comfortable with the decision you're making so it might help for you both to take a step back to think about what you really want.
It's never easy when one partner has to move away from the other but it is a problem many couples face and deal with in their own ways. Long-distance relationships aren't necessarily easy so it might help you to think about how strong the bond between the two of you is. Do you think you could cope with the potential stress of being apart so much of the time?
A long-distance relationship can work if you both want it to. It can just take more work and, most importantly, it requires absolute honesty and trust. Without complete trust, it can be easy to become insecure about the relationship and this can have a negative impact. To build on the trust between you it might help to focus on talking to each other about how you feel. Communicating well as a couple can be fundamental to keeping a relationship healthy.
If you're finding it difficult to talk about the way you're feeing at the moment it might help to choose a neutral place to have a conversation about it. You can also prepare by thinking carefully about what you want to say, maybe even write some thoughts down beforehand. When you're talking it might help to focus on listening to each other carefully, before responding in a non-accusatory way.
It's also worth thinking about the age difference between the two of you and how this may affect your future together. You may find that when you move away you'll spend more time with other people, make new friends and naturally grow apart from your guy. Although age doesn't always have to be an issue in a relationship, there's no denying it can be a factor. It might also help to think through any problems you've had in the past - such as having different priorities - were these problems a result of the age difference?
It may sound like a cliché but you really do have the rest of your life ahead of you. So by considering all your options and working out how you feel hopefully you'll be able to work out whether you want to lose your virginity and continue seeing your guy.
Only you really know if you want to keep the relationship going or you want to consider breaking up but you might find it beneficial talking to a close friend or trusted family member about what's going on. If they know you're worried about the situation they will be able to offer you support and a listening ear. Alternatively, if you would prefer to speak to someone outside your immediate circle, you can contact SupportLine in confidence on 020 8554 9004.
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