Too close for comfort
Question
I have a problem with being sexual. It's not that I don't want or like sex, it's just that I run away from it. If a guy flirts with me, I tend to ignore it even if I like it. I think it has something to do with the fact that I was sexually molested by a close relative when I was eight years-old. I feel like I react like a child to sexual situations. How can I deal with my emotions so that I can enjoy a healthy and happy sex life?
Answer
Being sexually abused as a child can be an extremely traumatic experience. Because of this, it's understandable that anything related to sex and sexuality might be difficult for you to deal with. But by seeking help you have made a brave and important step.
It's important to realise that your abuser's actions were in no way your fault. You didn't ask to be abused, and you didn't do anything to provoke the attacks. Often, abusers take advantage of those who are most vulnerable and innocent, such as children, and then swear their victims to secrecy. It's common for victims of sexual abuse to be threatened with further physical harm if they tell anyone what happened. This is what keeps the abusers feeling in control.
Often, victims of sexual abuse are left feeling distressed for a long time afterwards. It's also common for them to feel guilty or ashamed about the assault, and unable to trust others as easily as before. It can also mean that they find it difficult to trust others, and that their future relationships are fraught with emotional barriers.
In your case, the abuse appears to have made you unable to connect sexually to men. Shying away from contact - either physically or emotionally - can be a defense mechanism, which aims to protect you from any possible future harm. While your actions are certainly justifiable, it seems as if this behaviour is disrupting your ability to enjoy healthy and fulfilling physical intimacy and sex .
In order to move on with your life, it may help to talk through your emotions with a trained counsellor. Under 25s can find out about counselling services in their area through the Youth Access database. Also, the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy (BACP), provides information and advice on all matters related to counselling, and can send you a list of accredited counsellors in your area.
If you'd like to speak to someone straight away, you could also call SupportLine on on 020 8554 9004. They can provide emotional support to anyone about any issue.
If you'd like further information, confidential advice or emotional support about your situation, you could contact the National Association for People Abused In Childhood (NAPAC) on 0800 085 3330. If you're under 25, you could also see a counsellor at Brook. Counselling is free and confidential at all Brook Centres.
Updated: 14/04/2010
Question answered by Our Relationship Advisors
