Split mind over son
Question
After three years together and a lovely little boy, my boyfriend told me he was unhappy and left. He said he needed some space to think - that was three weeks ago and he now says he wants our relationship to end. It's so hard for me as he comes to see our son everyday so I see him all the time. How can I do the right thing for my son without causing extra pain for myself?
Answer
This must be a very difficult and painful time for you and it's complicated by the fact that you not only have to deal with your own shock and upset, but also think of your son's best interests.
Do you think there is any hope of rescuing your relationship with your partner? And, if there is, do you want to? Did he give any hint of his unhappiness before he said he needed time alone to think? Did you discuss it? Were there specific problems that you were aware of? If not, you must feel that you deserve an explanation, at the very least. Although it's difficult, it might benefit you to talk to him and ask for some sort of explanation. Understanding what has happened could help you deal with it.
A session of relationship counselling might be helpful for both of you. Even if your partner says he cannot see any future for the two of you, talking about what has happened in a safe, neutral environment, with someone who can facilitate discussion, may be a good way of achieving closure for both of you. Why not contact Relate on 0300 100 1234 and see if you can arrange a session? If your partner refuses to come with you, a session on your own might also be very helpful, allowing you to talk about your feelings and to work out ways of moving forward. If you can, it might help to talk about how you feel to a friend or relative you trust. Bottling this up will be detrimental to your health, and knowing you have the support of friends makes a big difference.
On the one hand, you're probably pleased that your partner has not abandoned his child and wishes to continue to see him, whatever the issues between you. But on the other, it's obviously very painful for you to have to see him all the time and it probably isn't helping you move on with your life or get over him. If you aren't happy with the current arrangement, you and your partner need to work out a way that he can see his son without disrupting your lives or causing you pain.
As you weren't married, your partner doesn't have the automatic right to access, though he is legally responsible to financially provide for your child. Ideally, if you can work something out between yourselves this would be the easiest solution, but it relies on total agreement between you and will only work if you can stick to the arrangements. Think about what you're comfortable with. Perhaps he could look after your son on certain days each week while you go out? If this proves too difficult for you and you stop him from seeing your son it might force him to seek access through the courts. This would mean getting contact orders and solicitors involved, a process that could end up being very disruptive for your son.
Are there any financial implications as a result of your split? Do you, for example, own a property together? Whatever the case, it would be a very good idea to get some legal advice to find out about your rights and exactly where you stand on all the issues affected by your break-up, your son included. A good starting point for this would be to contact your local Citizen's Advice Bureau (CAB).
Updated: 09/05/2008
Question answered by Our Relationship Advisors
