Rejection infection
Question
I can't seem to get a girlfriend, no matter how kind and friendly I am to girls. The constant rejection is making me depressed and it's affecting my attitude towards others. I've even started losing friends because of my deflated attitude. What can I do, it's driving me insane?
Answer
Facing rejection - perhaps over and over again - is certainly disappointing and demoralising, so it's understandable that your attitude has been less than upbeat lately. Perhaps you need to get to the heart of the problem and try to come up with some solutions to turn this situation around.
It sounds like your behaviour towards the opposite sex has been kind and considerate. If anything, you've been the perfect gentleman, and yet it seems as if the girls you have been interested in haven't shown any interest in you. Instead, they have turned you down, making you feel depressed and dejected. Even your friends have noticed a change in your behaviour.
Instead of thinking that the problem rests entirely on your shoulders, have you considered that there could be other factors involved that have been causing the girls to turn you down? For instance, if you tend to approach a girl you fancy in a public place, in front of her friends, she might feel embarrassed and uncomfortable. As a result, she might react by turning you down straightaway, rather than revealing her true feelings. The next time you go up to a girl you fancy, you might consider doing so without her mates in attendance, or even asking her out over the phone instead of face-to-face?
You may also have been approaching the wrong girls. For example, if you are a quiet person and have been asking out the loud, gregarious girls, it's possible they might assume that you aren't wild enough for them and automatically turn you down. Or perhaps the reverse is true? Maybe you are fun loving and outgoing and have been asking out the shy, more reserved girls. In this case, they might find you intimidating and might be inclined to turn you down too. The point is, assuming that you are the problem can be a major mistake. Not only is it often simply untrue, it can deflate your ego faster than a pinprick on a balloon.
It might not be a bad idea to get to know a girl as a mate before asking her out. Sometimes a friendship can develop into something more if you give it time and patience. Another bonus to the friends-first approach is that it eliminates a great bulk of the nervousness and anxiety attached to dating. After all, if you're friends with a girl before asking her out, it means that you have taken the time to get to know and respect her as a person, rather than simply seeing her as potential dating material. She will appreciate the effort you've taken to get to know her, and you will feel less pressurised. In this scenario, everyone comes out a winner.
Remember that rejection is often part and parcel of dating. It's deeply unpleasant, and it can cause a great deal of humiliation and pain. But you might want to keep in mind that just because one girl turns you down, it doesn't mean the next one won't find you absolutely amazing. Once you believe in your own worth and attractiveness, on the inside and out, others will too.
Updated: 15/05/2006
Question answered by Our Relationship Advisors
