No sex, no fun
Question
I've been with my girlfriend for 18 months and when we got together, and for a long time afterwards, we were quite sexually active. But now she doesn't seem to want to have sex any more. She says there is nobody else and loves me more than anything but when ever I try to talk about it she makes pathetic excuses and tries to get out of the conversation. I love her very much and I feel like I've done all I can to communicate with her about this. I'm hurting so much inside and can't concentrate or focus on anything I do. I'm desperate to find the reason as my jealousy is now becoming a major issue. What should I do?
Answer
Having been with your girlfriend for 18 months, I'm sure you feel as if you know her inside and out. That's why this no-sex issue is so puzzling: she says she loves you and isn't seeing anyone else, yet she doesn't want you to go near her. What's more, she won't even talk about it.
You don't say whether her hands-off policy started suddenly, or whether this has been a gradual thing. If it's a sudden occurrence, it's possible that something specific happened to cause it. Perhaps she was physically assaulted, or may be an unpleasant memory from her past cropped up and is now causing her pain. Another possibility is that she's suffering from depression, which decreases the sex drive dramatically. But I'm just grabbing at straws here. Unless she opens up, getting to the core of the matter is hard, if not impossible, to do. If she refuses to speak to you, perhaps she would be willing to open up to a trained counsellor, or even agree to couples counselling, so both of you could be present. The Relate helpline on 0845 1304010 can point you in the right direction, or visit their website: www.relate.org.uk.
I know this is frustrating for you, and very upsetting. I also know that your patience is running out, and jealousy is eating you alive. But getting answers might take time, and it's vital that you don't push your girlfriend too hard for them. Otherwise, you might push her too far - right out of the door.
Updated: 18/12/2006
Question answered by Our Relationship Advisors
