Long-distance loyalty
Question
My boyfriend of 10 months is going away to uni while I'm still at school. I made him promise me that if he meets a girl he'd rather be with he'll tell me first. I'd rather break up if he is going to be unfaithful.
He has been a really great boyfriend but I'm still so worried he is going to cheat on me because there is no way for me to find out what he's up to. Should I stay with him while he's at uni or save myself the pain of possibly finding out he's not being loyal to me?
Answer
When a couple is forced to spend time apart because one of them moves away it can be a very worrying and stressful time. At the moment you're facing the unknown - you don't know what it will be like for him, or you, so you're thinking the worst and assuming he'll cheat on you. This isn't inevitable.
It sounds like you have a very strong relationship and are able to talk openly about your feelings and fears. The fact you can communicate is a very positive sign and bodes well for the future. Just be wary of talking too much about what should happen if he meets someone else because he could end up thinking you're OK with that scenario.
One thing you haven't thought about here is the fact that when he goes away you could meet someone else and cheat on him. Could that happen? If you're saying 'no way, I'd never do that because I love him', what does that tell you? If you wouldn't, then why would your boyfriend, if he loves you too? Has he ever given you reason to doubt him? But if you're thinking that maybe you would cheat on him, then perhaps what you're doing is reflecting your own feelings on to your boyfriend. Perhaps you're worrying he'll cheat because you're worried that you might. Maybe you think you should end the relationship if that's what you want. You need to think very carefully about your feelings here and be certain that you want to keep the relationship going when he goes away.
Long distance relationships can work if you both want them to. It just takes more work and, most importantly, it requires absolute honesty and trust. Without complete trust, you could well become very insecure and paranoid and this could have a negative impact on your relationship. Perhaps what you need is reassurance from him that he loves you and has no intention of cheating. Has he said he won't? Try to take him at his word. Of course, nobody knows what will happen in the future, but having the right intentions is very important and it's all you can really hope for now.
You ask if you should end the relationship now to prevent yourself getting hurt down the line. Why throw away something good because of what might happen? Why give yourself pain now to prevent possible future pain? If you love him and he's been a great boyfriend he could well continue to be just that. Yes, your relationship will have to change a bit but, with effort, it can still be good. He'll have holidays and weekends and you'll be able to go up and stay with him sometimes too. With email, phone and text, keeping in touch will be easy. And you can always write each other good old-fashioned letters, which can be really romantic and special. It's important to remember you may not be able to see each other all the time but you can still be a big part of each other's lives.
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Question answered by Our Relationship Advisors
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