Long-distance dilemma
Question
Six months ago one of my best friends left to join the army. I'd known him for two years and we were very close. Him leaving made us realise how much we mean to each other, so we started a relationship about a month ago.
I hadn't realised just how hard this would be. I spend most of my time looking forward to the next time I will see him, which is usually every two weeks. I find that nothing else matters and I'm almost wishing my life away. And then when he does come back it's just for a weekend.
This is the first time I've ever been in love, and though it can make me feel amazing, our separation makes me feel desperately unhappy too. I don't think I can cope with the strain, but I can't end the relationship and forget about him because I love him and he loves me. Can you offer any advice?
Answer
Long-distance relationships are never easy, as you know only too well. Not only do you spend enormous chunks of time missing your other half, the moments that you do spend together tend to be fraught with intense emotion. You're thrilled to see each other, but then you know that your happiness is short-lived because it's only a matter of time until you'll be apart again. It can be a heart-wrenching situation.
The thing to keep in mind, however, is that you and your boyfriend seem to have a good thing going. Because you have known each other for two years and were close friends before you entered into the relationship, there is already a significant level of trust between you. You know that you can expect loyalty, fidelity, friendship and love from your boyfriend, and vice-versa. That rock-solid foundation can sustain you through the difficult days and nights when you are not together.
Unfortunately, it sounds like life without your guy has been difficult for you. You're just counting the days until you can see him again and "nothing else matters". Although it is understandable that you miss him so much, it's important for you to realise that wishing your life away is harmful to you in the long-run. After all, your boyfriend is living his life; he joined the army and is going after his hopes and dreams. Surely you deserve to have the same opportunity.
It's possible that you simply don't know what you want out of life right now, other than being with your boyfriend. Instead of trying to fill the void by anxiously waiting for his visits, you might consider finding out what excites and interests you. Perhaps you could consider trying a new course, job or hobby? One thing is for certain: unless you get involved in something that engages your interest, your life will never seem complete -- with or without your boyfriend.
Your best bet, then, is to take stock of your life. What do you enjoy doing? What makes you feel connected to your family, friends and community? Perhaps there is an interest you've always wanted to pursue but haven't had a chance to consider. Or maybe volunteering might give you that opportunity. do-it.org.uk has thousands of different volunteering opportunities and you can search what's available in your area.
You will see that once you start participating in life, rather than watching it pass you by, you will be happier and miss your boyfriend a bit less. That is not to say you won't miss him entirely. Of course you will. But you'll have other things going on in your life that mean something to you. You'll also have something new and interesting to discuss with your guy when you see him. What's more, the fact that you seem happy will make him happy - and perhaps more than a little relieved to know that you're OK without him.
In addition, you might consider turning to your friends and family for much-needed support. Or, if you would prefer to speak to someone outside your immediate circle, you can contact Supportline, a telephone helpline providing emotional support to any person on any issue, on 020 8554 9004; or Careline, for anyone who would like to talk to a trained counsellor, on 020 8514 1177.
Are you and your boyfriend able to stay in contact in between visits via email or the telephone? If not, maybe you could put pen to paper. There is something wonderfully romantic about a newsy, heartfelt letter. Writing in a journal can also be tremendously therapeutic. The point is, getting your thoughts and feelings down on paper might prove to be helpful for both of you. So can talking about the current situation. Acknowledging that you miss each other and are finding the separation horribly painful is nothing to feel ashamed of. It's open, honest communication.
Which brings us to the final point: the possibility of ending the relationship. From the sound of it, you are overwhelmed with the difficulty and enormity of the situation, yet you and your boyfriend clearly love and care about each other. If that is the case, then breaking up might not have to be your only option right now. The possibility might present itself sometime down the road, but it seems as if your commitment to each other is strong enough to weather the current storm. If, however, you realise at some point that the relationship is not working, you can cross that bridge when you come to it. In the meantime, continue to reach out to each other as best as you can.
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Question answered by Our Relationship Advisors
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