He won't trust me
Question
My boyfriend says he doesn't trust me. I don't hide anything from him and I've admitted that I've been unfaithful in the past, but I've never cheated on anyone I was serious about.
Recently he had a go at me because I was stood outside a guy's house with a friend while she was talking to her boyfriend. He's convinced that the bloke is my ex (we were only ever friends) and nothing I say will convince him otherwise. I try and explain it to him every time he brings it up, but he keeps twisting everything I say.
It's getting to the point where he's starting to convince me that I've cheated, even though I know I haven't. I feel really guilty for something I know I haven't done. I've tried to reason with him but he isn't the type you can explain things to. I haven't sent him packing because we have a daughter but I don't know if I can take much more of this. What should I do?
Answer
As you know only too well, jealousy is an extremely powerful, painful emotion to have to deal with on a continual basis. Not only does it interfere with a person's general sense of wellbeing, it has a way of cropping up when you least expect it.
It sounds as if your boyfriend's feelings of jealousy and insecurity have been preventing you from being truly happy with him. While it's true that some women (and men) cheat on their partners, you are not one of them. You've given him no reason to believe that you are untrustworthy or capable of cheating on him. The problem is, unless he is able to trust you, which actually means trusting himself to trust you, he could always be plagued with feelings of jealousy, no matter how hard you try to convince him otherwise.
It may feel like your boyfriend's reaction is about you and your behaviour, but the jealousy could be rooted from events in his past. For instance, if he grew up in a home in which his father was overtly jealous of his mum, or vice-versa, it's possible that these feelings were unintentionally transmitted to him, and now, unfortunately, to you. Or maybe he experienced jealousy through other family members, such as a jealous brother, sister or cousin.
Alternatively, it's also possible that he was involved with women in the past who were unfaithful to him. As a result, trusting women - or anyone - is difficult, if not impossible, for him now. It would be understandable he may feel this way, after all, if he was burnt before, why would he want to open himself up to similar pain?
Although reasoning with your boyfriend hasn't worked previously, it can't hurt to try again. If you can, sit him down and tell him that you are only interested in him and that the threat of losing you to another man is in his mind only. Once he realises that he's an essential ingredient to your happiness, and to your daughter's, he might ease up. When you do talk to your boyfriend, though, make sure to be gentle but firm. He needs to know that you are disturbed by his behaviour, and that it has been affecting you deeply.
Unless your boyfriend is able to come to terms with his feelings, he could run himself - and possibly your relationship - into the ground. Therefore, your best plan of action is to have him deal with his jealousy head on, perhaps with a trained therapist if that feels right for him. Youth Access can provide details of free counselling services in your area. The British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy (BACP), which provides information and advice on all matters related to counselling, can also send a list of accredited counsellors in your area. Another excellent resource is SupportLine, a telephone helpline providing emotional support to any person on any issue. The helpline number is 020 8554 9004. Alternatively, Relate offers counselling for couples and individuals and can be reached on 0300 100 1234.
If, however, your boyfriend doesn't try to change or seek professional help, then you might have some important decisions to make. You can continue to put up with his jealousy or you can make it clear that, as much as you love him, he must loosen his grip on you. Otherwise, you may feel so suffocated that your relationship will continue to suffer, perhaps irreparably. Another side-effect of your boyfriend's jealous behaviour is that you could end up resenting him so much that, ultimately, you will have no choice but to end the relationship.
When it comes down to it, you can't change the way a person feels or behaves, only they can do that. In your situation, your boyfriend's feelings of jealousy could be vast and deep-seated. However, you can voice your feelings, loud and clear, and try to make sure that they are heard and respected. Otherwise, you might have some tough choices to make.
Updated: 07/05/2008
Question answered by Our Relationship Advisors
