Green-eyed monster
Question
Please help me, I don't understand my feelings. A friend of mine recently started seeing this girl. It's plain to see that they're head over heels in love with each other. My problem is that even when I just think about it I get really angry and frustrated, because he has the one thing that's missing from my life.
Everything else in my life is fine. What I really want it what he has; someone he feels happy with, someone who understands him, that listens to him, that he can share his problems with, that he looks forward to seeing. I know I'll never have that sort of relationship. I want someone like that so much that I can barely spend time with him.
Every time I see him I get these fits of rage and a desire to be violent. I have no idea what's wrong with me or what I can do about it. Is this just jealousy? What is this that I'm experiencing? And how do I deal with it?
Answer
The feelings you describe do sound like a form of jealousy and maybe also deep unhappiness. It could be that because you feel unhappy you are directing your anger towards your friend who has what you feel you want. It's actually far more common than you think to have violent impulses and to feel rage - they can be symptoms of the feelings deep within you which you may feel unable to express in any other way at the moment.
People often say they feel lonely but true loneliness shouldn't be trivialised. It can be an overpowering, overwhelming emotion. But it's important to remember that there's absolutely no reason why you can't have fulfilling relationships with other people in the future. It's likely that what's stopping you right now is the unhappiness you feel within yourself. It's a cliché, but there is some truth in the saying that you have to love yourself in order to be loved by other people.
Dealing with your emotions - getting whatever is trapped within you out - could allow you to have the space to offer other people the good parts of you. At the moment it sounds as if you feel you need another person to give you what you feel you're lacking in your life. Perhaps you need to sort this out before you are able to have the kind of relationship you crave.
It could be very helpful to speak to someone about how you're feeling. Have you thought about making an appointment with your local doctor (GP)? They should be able to refer you to a counsellor who can help you deal with your anger and other emotions and give you exercises and techniques to deal with them. It might also be helpful to call SupportLine on 020 8554 9004. They offer emotional support in complete confidence and they'll work with you to develop coping strategies.
You're not alone in feeling how you do. Lots of people find it difficult to make good friends and develop relationships. The best way to do this is to meet people with whom you have things in common - interests and hobbies that you can enjoy together and talk about. Is there something you really enjoy like music, sports or theatre? Why not find out about local activities by looking in your local paper or your local council website.
True, long-lasting, relationships take time to develop and involve trust and shared experiences. Friendship is about give and take - friends help each other and listen to each other. But meeting people to whom you can relate is a great start. Once you start to overcome the feelings you're having right now - and with help you can overcome them - you will be well-placed to start developing close friendships.
Updated: 06/06/2011
Question answered by Our Relationship Advisors
