Dad dilemma
Question
I had a relationship that ended a few months ago. Since then I've discovered I'm pregnant. I'm not sure, but I think my ex might be the father.
I really don't know whether I should tell him about it. He's really selfish and doesn't want a child so I don't know how it would affect my child in the long term.
Would it be wrong of me not to tell him? If I do tell him, should I do it now or wait a little longer?
Answer
Deciding whether to tell your ex-partner about your pregnancy is an important decision, so it makes sense that you are giving this situation a great deal of thought and consideration.
One important factor to keep in mind when making your decision - in addition to how you feel personally about the baby's father - is how will your ex-partner's involvement in your baby's life affect the child's future? In other words, will your ex's presence have a positive or negative influence? Maybe you are concerned that his lack of interest will cause your child more grief than happiness; and you might be correct.
From the sound of it, your ex might have little, if any, interest in being a dad. Perhaps he's not ready to have kids, or maybe the responsibility of being a parent is too much for him to handle at the moment. If he is a selfish person it is unlikely that he would put his child's interests before his own.
That said, these are just assumptions. Due to the fact that your ex is not aware of the fact that you are pregnant, it is impossible to predict how he might feel or behave under the circumstances. Maybe your suspicions are right on target and your ex will want nothing to do with the baby. Or perhaps he might surprise you and want to be involved in the baby's life. Parenthood has an uncanny way of making someone rise to the occasion. Perhaps your ex is one of those individuals. Without knowing how he feels, one way or another, it is impossible to say for sure.
It would be understandable if you don't want this man in your life anymore. If this is the case, you might want to consider how your child might feel about not having a father around. It can be highly beneficial for a child to know their father, especially if he is a reliable, stand-up character, or has the potential to be one.
Before you share your news with your ex, you might want to think long and hard about what feels right for you as well as for your unborn child. Of equal importance is knowing for sure whether he is actually the baby's father. Providing that your ex is willing, you can always find out via a simple blood test. You can consult your local doctor (GP) for details.
Sorting out paternity is particularly important if you are considering going to your ex for financial assistance with the baby. If he is the father, he might be financially responsible for the child, at least in part. For specifics on the legal aspects of this situation as well as information on child support, you might want to contact your local Citizens Advice Bureau (CAB).
If you do decide you are better off without your ex in the picture, you might want to ensure that you have plenty of support from your friends and family. Having an extra pair of hands and a strong shoulder to lean on if need be will prove to be invaluable in the months to come. Another helpful resource is Gingerbread, an advice line for single parents, which provides emotional support and information on rights and responsibilities. You can ring them on 0800 018 4318.
Updated: 25/10/2005
Question answered by Our Relationship Advisors
