AWOL wife
Question
My wife of three weeks has borrowed money from various individuals without my knowledge. She refused to tell me why she did it, but expected me to help repay some of the cash.
I contacted the individual who was supposed to pay money to my wife so she in turn could pay all her debts, because I wanted to find out what was going on. However, my wife came home in tears, then screamed at me and told me that I had ruined her life by contacting that person. She removed her wedding rings, packed a bag and left.
The person that owes her money contacted me and told me that I had no right to question my wife. My wife hasn't contacted me at all since, and I don't know where she's sleeping or whether she's OK. How do I get her back and save my marriage?
Answer
This must be a very difficult, confusing and upsetting time for you, especially as it comes so soon after the start of your marriage. Although it must feel like there is no simple way to solve your problems, with time, patience and communication - and possibly outside help - you may be able to get to the bottom of your wife's problems and, if it's what you both want, it may be possible to save your marriage.
It sounds as if your wife got herself into a mess before you were married and either felt too embarrassed or ashamed to tell you what was going on. Perhaps, once you were married, she felt secure enough to reveal her debts and to ask for your help. But it seems that for whatever reason she still didn't feel able to be totally honest with you. She wanted you to help her deal with the results of her problems but was unable to let you in on the details of how or why she got into debt. It's possible that she thought that if you knew the full story you would be upset or angry, or change your opinion or feelings for her. She was probably hoping the problem would go away without you ever knowing.
However, you obviously love her and therefore wanted to sort this out properly. You only tried to help by talking to the person who owed her money, but your wife saw this as interference. The way she has acted - getting angry, telling you that you have ruined her life and packing her bags and leaving - sounds like a response of fear and panic. For whatever reason, she didn't want you to know the truth. Rather than confronting her problems and talking things through with you, she has run away.
If you are to move forward, you need to find your wife and talk to her. Are you sure you have thought about all the places she could be? Does she work or study? If so, could you leave a message for her in one of these places? What about her friends? Could you call all of them and just ask if they've seen her? If you feel they may be protecting her, just ask them to pass on a message saying that you are worried about her and would love to speak to her. Make it clear you're not angry, so she doesn't feel scared to come home. If your wife has a mobile phone or email account, perhaps you could you send her a reassuring email or text message?
If none of these avenues works, and you still can't find your wife and she doesn't return home of her own accord, you could consider reporting her missing to the police. All you'd need to do is go to your local police station and file a missing person's report. Hopefully, you won't need to do this, but at least that way you will have covered all bases and can make sure that she is safe and well.
If you do find your wife - and she may just choose to come home of her own accord, once she's calmed down - you need to talk to her. Before you do, think about what you want. Do you want to make your marriage work, and do you feel you could trust her in future? You don't say how long you knew your wife for before you married. Were there any hints of the trouble to come? Do you think you were avoiding certain problems because you didn't want to rock the boat? If a marriage is to work, trust and communication are essential. Nobody is perfect; we all have faults and things in the past that we are ashamed of. But if you love somebody, these things can be dealt with and tackled together.
If you decide that you do want to give your marriage a shot, you need to make it clear to your wife that you will forgive her for what she's done but that you need her to be honest and open with you from now on so nothing like this ever happens again. You need to ask her what she wants and how she feels. It might be a very good idea if you were to get relationship counselling to help you through this and to teach you how to communicate better in the future. The relationship counselling organisation Relate offers counselling on relationship problems for couples or individuals. Call their helpline on 0845 130 40 10. If your wife won't go with you it might be useful for you to go on your own too.
If your wife needs help with her debts, urge her to call the Consumer Credit Counselling Service, a registered charity that offer a variety of services to support people in debt. Their website includes budgeting advice, a debt checker and email contact with a counsellor, they also provide a freephone helpline to speak to a debt counsellor on 0800 138 111. Alternatively, she could call the National Debtline on 0808 808 4000 for independent and confidential advice for dealing with debt problems.
If your wife doesn't come home, or if you and your wife decide that you can't sort out your problems, then you may have to think about ending your marriage. It would probably be a good idea to visit your local Citizen's Advice Bureau (CAB) to find out about your legal options and how to deal with any practical issues, such as ownership of joint property.
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Question answered by Our Relationship Advisors
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