Am I abused?

Ever since I was little my Mum has smacked and hit me. She also continually insulted me, telling me I am useless and she hates me. Is this child abuse? It's still going on now and I don't know what to do.

You've obviously been through some very tough and confusing times with your Mum, so writing to us about the long-term abuse you have been suffering was a very brave and important step in getting the help you need.

You seem very unsure about how to refer to - and deal with - the relationship you have with your Mum. Try to remember one thing: no one, whether it is a parent, relative, family friend or teacher, has the right to physically, verbally or emotionally abuse a child in any way. Children have rights, including the right to live in a safe environment and not be ill-treated, and these rights need to be respected and protected. Although parents do have the right to discipline their children, any kind of assault is a criminal offence. Physical abuse and mental cruelty clearly fall into this category.

Sadly, for whatever reason (possibly emotional distress, mental illness or abuse in her own childhood), or for no particular reason at all, your mother has been physically and verbally abusing you since you were a child. It sounds as though you have had to deal with this situation on your own. Do you think anyone knows about the way your Mum treats you? Has anyone ever tried to stop her behaviour?

If you haven't felt able to confide in anyone about what's going on, do you think there is anyone you can approach now? Is there someone you trust, such as a relative, teacher, family friend or one of your friends? It is possible that you tried before and possibly failed. If so, please don't give up. Sometimes it is necessary to speak up again and again before your voice is heard.

If you don't feel able to talk to someone you know, maybe you could try an outside organisation or helpline? The aim of this information is not to frighten you or freak you out. It's just to let you know that you do have options available.

One option is to contact Social Services, sometimes called Social Care, (you can do this yourself or ask an adult you trust to do it on your behalf). It will be listed in your telephone directory under the town or city in which you live. There are usually emergency numbers you can use out of office hours. Once Social Services officers have been contacted, they are obliged to conduct an investigation. This means a social worker will visit and assess your situation.

Legally, your mother is responsible for you until you are 18. If, however, you opt to leave home because you are being abused, Social Services must ensure that you are being looked after elsewhere, such as a temporary foster home. If you are over 16, you can leave home with your parents' consent. If you have been thrown out of your home, however, Social Services is obliged to house you until you are 18. For more specific information on your legal rights, you may also find it useful to contact your local Citizens Advice Bureau (CAB).

There are many helplines you can contact with advisors who are trained to listen to people in your situation and offer help and support. The National Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Children (NSPCC) runs a confidential helpline for those concerned with issues relating to child safety. You can talk to one of the helpline's advisors on 0808 800 500. Another helpful contact is Kidscape, a national charity committed to keeping young people safe from harm and abuse. Although their focus is on preventative tactics to use before the abuse takes place, it still might be worth your while to contact them on 020 7730 3300.  ChildLine on 0800 1111 has trained counsellors providing advice for young people on any issue that concerns them, including parental abuse. Calls are free and they won't appear on your phone bill. And finally, Get Connected is useful for anyone who needs to contact other helplines but does not want their phone bill to show the call. Get Connected will put a caller through to another appropriate charity as a free call. You can call them on 0808 808 4994.

After you have had the chance to talk your situation through with a supportive adult or trained counsellor, you can then consider your options, which might include finding alternative living arrangements. After all, the best way to escape the abuse is, as painful as it might be, to escape the situation altogether. Perhaps living elsewhere - even temporarily while your mother obtains help (if she is willing, that is) - might make the situation more bearable for you.

Updated: 17/12/2007

Question answered by Our Relationship Advisors