Scared to go it alone
Question
I've been with my boyfriend for over 10 years and we have two children together. I love him as a friend, but I'm not in love with him and because of this I'm starting to resent the relationship. I've met another guy who I think about all the time. I wish I could be with him because we really seen to 'click'.
I feel so trapped and worry that I can't leave my boyfriend because of the children in case I can't cope on my own. I know that's selfish on my part, but I don't know what else to do.
Answer
This must be a very difficult and confusing time for you. You have been with your boyfriend for a long time and you have two children together, so the realisation that you are no longer happy with your him, and that you have feelings for someone else, is causing you a great deal of turmoil and upset.
You say you can't leave your boyfriend because you feel guilty, worry about what might happen to the kids and that you rely on your partner. It's not selfish to feel like this - it's natural and normal. After 10 years together the thought of being alone must be very scary. And the fear of upsetting your kids' lives is also very valid. But, if leaving is ultimately what you decide to do, all the practical things can be dealt with and your fears, conquered. There are many people who can help and advise you.
No relationship stays the same from start to end. Relationships are not static - they go through changes and transformations and face obstacles over the years. For a relationship to work both partners need to grow and change together or, if this doesn't happen naturally, to work at the relationship and sort out their difficulties together. It's natural that you no longer feel the same for your boyfriend as you once did. You have grown and changed. What you need to decide is whether the relationship is worth saving and whether you can work through your difficulties together.
You say that when you look at him you feel resentful. Has he changed? Have you? Can you analyse exactly why your feelings for him have changed? It's important for you to try to work out what has happened within your relationship, and why. This may be difficult to do on your own. Would you consider counselling, which would allow you to talk through all your feelings either alone or with your boyfriend?
Is your boyfriend aware of your feelings? Have you spoken to him about them? If he doesn't know how you feel and sees only that you're upset with him, he can't help or change or try to make things work. Good communication is very important if any relationship is to last. Could you try talking to him about your feelings and concerns? It's possible that he too has issues that he feels unable to express. Perhaps he isn't happy either. Opening up a discussion would be a very positive step. By putting all your issues on the table, this could be a way of starting to resolve them or, if that is not possible, working out a way of splitting up as amicably as you can. Could you suggest that you try counselling together? It might be a useful way of helping you talk to each other openly and honestly, in a neutral environment. If he doesn't want to come along with you, you could go alone.
If you do decide to give the counselling route a try, contact Relate, an organisation which offers counselling to both couples and individuals who have any sort of relationship problem. You could see them alone or together, or both. To find out more call its helpline on 0845 130 40 10. Your GP (doctor) might also be able to refer you for couples counselling, on the NHS. If you feel that you would like to chat through these issues on the phone, you could try calling Supportline on 020 8554 9004.
As for this other guy, are you sure that you really want to be with him? Or is it just a case of 'the grass is greener', i.e. he appears to have all the qualities that are now lacking in your relationship with your boyfriend: fun, laughter, lack of responsibility etc. Is he just a diversion, an escape route? Or is he just someone to fall back on because you are scared of being alone? Be honest with yourself: if you could repair your relationship with your boyfriend, if it could be everything it used to be, would you still want to be with this other guy? And if he were not on the scene, would you still be thinking of leaving? Perhaps it would be sensible to put your feelings for this other guy aside to remove him from the equation, until you have decided whether you want to stay in your current relationship and if it's possible to work it out.
If you want to find out where you would stand legally if you were to decide to leave - as far as your home and your children are concerned - you can make an appointment with an advisor at your local Citizens Advice Bureau.
Updated: 12/01/2009
Question answered by Our Relationship Advisors
