Cheating regrets
Question
I cheated on my girlfriend of 17 months by kissing someone else. I was on drugs at the time and felt so guilty after it happened. I planned to tell her, but in the morning she called me to say she'd already found out. I miss her so much and love her to bits, but she doesn't want to know. We've agreed to be mates, but that's not enough for me.
She says she still loves me, but doesn't understand why I did it. I want to show her I do love her and that I can be a good boyfriend and would love to spend all my life with her. How should I go about getting her back and proving myself to her? Should I send flowers or texts, or will I have to do more? I think it's a small price to pay to have her back.
Answer
It sounds like you love your girlfriend very much and that you are truly sorry for what you did and would do anything to win her back. Realising that you've made a big mistake, something you deeply regret, is very painful.
Before you do anything, it's important to think about what happened and ask yourself if you'd ever do it again. If you still take drugs, there may be the possibility you could do it again. Perhaps you cheated on your girlfriend because there was a tiny part of you that wanted to kiss another girl, that isn't ready for a committed relationship, and therefore, used being on drugs as an excuse to misbehave?
You need to know that you are 100% committed to your girlfriend and that you're certain that you want to be with her. You also need to feel that you won't cheat on her again, before you even think about winning her back. It's also worth asking yourself if you're confusing your sense of loss and regret with desire and love. Once the initial upset and grief passes, you may find you're able to move on, but you need to prove it to her.
Flowers and texts are a nice gesture, but they're easy to do and may be seen as token gestures that don't really mean anything. Your ex girlfriend needs to know that she can trust you and that you'll never do it again. You need to rebuild the trust you once shared. Unfortunately, that's not something that you can achieve over night. It will take time and patience.
Be honest with her. Talk to her about how you feel. Tell her it was a huge mistake and not one you'll ever repeat. Maybe you could even show her this question - to prove how important this is to you. Be the best friend you could ever be to her. Don't look at other girls. Give her time to forgive you and to decide what she wants. She may need space, away from you. If that's what she wants, give it to her. There's no guarantee that she will take you back but, if you show her that you have learnt from your mistake and that you can be trusted in the future, it's the best you can do.
Updated: 30/11/2006
Question answered by Our Relationship Advisors
