Caught in a trap
Question
My ex-best friend, who has a boyfriend and a baby, has cheated with my boyfriend. I only found out because I suspected something wasn't right, so I pretended that he'd told me the truth and she confessed.
I feel awful and I hate both of them so much. I really want to tell her boyfriend about what they did because she ruined my relationship. I don't think she should get away with it when she's wrecked my life in the meantime.
Answer
This situation must have been very upsetting for you. Not only have you been deceived by your boyfriend, you've been dealt an emotional blow by your friend as well. Understandably, you are feeling enormously hurt and angry and possibly even looking for a way to settle the score.
The question you might want to ask yourself in this situation is: what would you gain by telling your ex-best friend's boyfriend the truth, apart from some momentary satisfaction? The relief you might feel after telling him may be outweighed by the guilt you could feel in the long run. After all, there are extenuating circumstances to consider here; namely a baby. Plus, there is a strong likelihood that your ex-best friend's boyfriend will find out about the affair anyway, eliminating your need to spill the beans.
When all is said and done, you have the power - and the choice - to do whatever you think is right in this situation. Perhaps after you've had some time to digest it all, you will decide that with all the factors involved, your need for revenge isn't as great as you think it is. Going forward, you have several options. If breaking up with your boyfriend is something that needs to happen for your own peace of mind, then you might consider going your separate ways. Another option is to see whether the relationship with your boyfriend can be salvaged.
If you're both willing to make things work, there's a good chance that you can move beyond this and find happiness together again. By communicating as a couple, it may bring you and your boyfriend closer. It might also be useful to work through your issues via relationship therapy. Relate, which offers counselling for couples and individuals, is a good place to start - you can speak to someone from the organisation on 0300 100 1234.
It might also be helpful for you to talk about the situation in a safe, therapeutic setting with a professional counsellor or psychotherapist. Youth Access offers counselling, support and advice for young people. For additional guidance, Supportline, can be reached on 01708 765200.
As far as the relationship with your ex-best friend goes, it's up to you whether or not you think it's worth talking to her about the situation. If you feelthere's a glimmer of hope that your friendship can be repaired, it may be worth talking things through with her. If, however, you can't imagine trusting her again, then you might consider cutting off the contact, at least for the time being. Either way, you need to do what feels right and comfortable for you.
Updated: 30/11/2011
Question answered by Our Relationship Advisors
