Losing your virginity is a massive deal and it more often than not can be a major disappointment. But don’t let a bad first experience damage your self-worth and put you off sex for life. It does get better. Honest.
I lost my virginity and the sex was terrible
Sex was built up to be an intense, pleasurable experience. Instead it was awkward, clumsy, and maybe a little bit painful, so now you’re wondering:
a) if you did it wrong, and
b) what the hell all the fuss is about?
Kate Monro, an author who spent years researching virginity, says you shouldn’t let a bad first time put you off. “Don’t expect fireworks,” she says. “Like any other skill, sex is something you get better at over time. Don’t use your virginity as a barometer of how good your sex life is going to be.”
Think about what may have made the sex so depressingly un-earth moving. Were you comfortable enough with your partner? Was there enough foreplay? Did you really feel ready? Learn from the experience, and if you feel you want to, try again (and again) and see if you can improve things.
I lost my virginity and was treated like crap/ignored afterwards
Ouch. This will sting. No doubt you feel used, but more annoyingly probably still a little bit in love with the person. You may be even considering sleeping with them again to mend things. Unfortunately, this is one of those awkward situations where the only positive outcome is you learn some valuable lessons.
“People behave really badly around sex,” says Agony aunt, Anita Naik. “Even if you trust the person they can still let you down. But beating yourself up will get you nowhere. Learn from it and make sure you know exactly where you stand with the next person you sleep with.”
I lost my virginity and now people are spreading rumours about me
Sex is a complicated activity involving organs that tend to misbehave. Whether you come too quickly, have massive bollocks, a fanny that doesn’t smell of Chanel No.5, hairy nipples or pull odd faces when you orgasm – all this is normal. Yet it’s humiliating and deeply upsetting if your sex partner broadcasts your personal details to the entire school/college/internet/universe. How do you live down the rumours?
“You just have to ignore them and put it down to experience,” Anita says. “As with most rumours, it will be about someone else next week and will blow over.”
People will quickly forget about your supposed flappy fanny or pea-sized penis, but your emotional scars may take longer to heal. Again, you can only learn from the situation. Bodies come in all shapes and sizes, you’re not a freak, and you can rest assured what you think is a terrible deformity is probably pretty common.
I wasn’t ready for sex and regret losing my virginity
You thought you were, or maybe you knew you weren’t but did it anyway to please somebody. Either way, you slept with someone before you were ‘ready’ and now you’re scared you have to do it again.
Firstly, don’t succumb to pressure to have more sex a second time. Sex isn’t a merry-go-round ride you’re not allowed off once you’ve hopped on. Be honest with your partner and explain you may need more time. If you don’t feel comfortable having this conversation then you’re probably not ready to have sex with them.
It’s also worth looking back to understand what put you off having sex again. Was it painful? Maybe you need more foreplay. Did your partner not make you feel loved enough afterwards? Discuss what they can do to make you feel more secure.
Sure, it’s a shame your virginity loss had to be a tough life lesson instead of a pleasurable experience. But remember it’s called a ‘first’ time for a reason. Sex is a massive learning process and losing your virginity is only the starting block to a life of enjoyable shags – as and when you’re ready for them.
Photo of cherries by Shutterstock
- Brook are a sexual health charity, which support young people through their clinics and helpline. 0808 802 1234
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Updated on 29-Sep-2015