When you split up with someone that you still have feelings for it’s tempting to let them make all the rules in order to keep them in your life. The problem is, if there’s no hope of reconciliation, you’re just prolonging the agony – and it will take even longer for your broken heart to mend.
Try to accept that it’s over
This is so difficult, but until you accept that the relationship is over you’ll probably keep reading ‘secret’ messages into everything connected with your ex. It’s particularly hard to believe you really have been dumped if you’re still seeing each other. The best way to get over a relationship is to sever all connection – even if just for a while. That means no sneaky peaks at their facebook page, delete them if you can’t resist. Of course this is very difficult if you’re in the same job or at uni together – but the less contact you have the better.
No sex with your ex
After a while, you and your ex might meet up – especially if you lived together and have got to sort out possessions or legal problems. You might spend an evening sorting out these things, and then open a bottle of wine, and maybe then you’ll have a kiss and cuddle for old times’ sake and one thing could lead to another. Attractive though this sounds – especially if you are still in love with your ex – having sex could break your heart all over again. The chances are that your ex will get up abruptly afterwards and say something like: “This shouldn’t have happened,” or: “Well that was nice, but it doesn’t change anything,” and you’ll feel as devastated as when you first split up. So make it a rule – NO SEX WITH YOUR EX.
Can we still be friends?
If your ex has said something like: “Of course we must stay friends”, be wary. Do you need this person as a friend? Well, perhaps it would be good long-term, but right now your feelings are more complicated – and being treated simply as a friend will prolong the agony of coming to terms with the split. The truth is that it will probably help your ex’s guilt about dumping you, but you’re the one who needs help right now, not your previous partner. The best thing to do is to keep your distance for a few months, – and after that time, decide whether or not friendship is possible or even desirable.
- Do you want to understand your relationship better? Love Smart helps you work it all out.
- Got a worry about relationships? Whatever the question, get free anonymous advice from one of our relationship experts.
- Chat about this subject on our Discussion Boards.
- Need help but confused where to go locally? Download our StepFinder iPhone app to find local support services quickly.
By Christine Webber
Updated on 29-Sep-2015