Good bedside manner
If your friend or relative gets ill, it can be almost as stressful for you as getting sick personally. Here's how to brush up on your bedside manner and make the journey smoother for both of you.
Step one: Taking in the news
You're going to have to hold it together, but not yet. When you first hear the news, it's common to feel angry, upset, helpless, useless, depressed, or to want to avoid the issue altogether. Acknowledging your feelings, and taking time to let the news sink in is the first step to helping the person who is ill. Most people find it easier to feel positive if they acknowledge their negative feelings first. Being well informed about the disease will help you to feel more in control too, so read as much as you can and talk to others who have been through similar illnesses.
Since different illnesses are so varied, your friend or relative may be in a hospice, hospitalised, at home in bed, or even fit and well, and this will affect how you go about supporting them.
Step two: Phone a friend
If you are supporting somebody who is ill, it is important to find a support network of your own. Try to think of some suitable people, and ask for their support without over-burdening them. It's easy to feel angry with people who don't understand what you're going through, but if someone hasn't been through a similar experience it can be hard for them to relate to how you're feeling.
It's often easier to share your burden with people outside your immediate network of friends. Consider joining a local support group if you can't find the right help in your peer group; it will be full of people who understand what you are going through, and you'll be able to talk freely without feeling guilty. Ask at the hospital or call a charity specific to your friend's illness to find a suitable group.
Step three: Establish a routine
When you're visiting someone, it's up to you which approach you take. Here are some things for you to think about:
- Establish a routine; brief visits will be easier on both of you.
- Try to take things one day at a time.
- Writing a list of distracting things to talk about can be a good way to avoid difficult silences.
- Nevertheless, don't avoid talking about their illness and problems if you feel they want to talk about it. Just because they are ill it doesn't mean they want to talk about the weather all the time any more than a healthy person.
- You may find yourself the recipient of their anger/depression over their illness. If you feel that they aren't treating you fairly, tell them you feel they may be displacing their anger and that you want to be treated nicely.
- You may find yourself acting, to a degree, but remember that it is less tiring to be yourself most of the time.
- It's often easier to visit somebody in a group of two or three people, but they may want to be alone with you sometimes too, plus regular group visits may tire them out.
- It's worth tracking people down who might want to know that your friend or relative is ill. A new or unexpected visitor can make a real difference.
- Try to see your friend or relative as the person you know, not the victim. Take in photos, videos, things that will interest them. Talk about your mutual friends, and be positive about your own life.
- Dont be a martyr. To support somebody, you have to be well yourself. Take time out for the things you would do normally, and let others offer their support, too
Step four: The outcome
It could be days, weeks or months before things change. A life-threatening illness causes most people to re-assess their lives. As somebody in a supportive role, you will probably find yourself changed too. You may value different things in other people, or have changed your ambitions. Whether the person gets better or not, you'll know you helped someone when they really needed you, and that's what counts.
Print this page Email this page to a friend Add to favourites
