Supporting a self harmer

It's difficult to know what to do and say when someone close to you is self harming, it may be that they won't let you help at all or aren't ready to stop. TheSite guides you through it.

Do:

Educate yourself about self harm read books and resources;
Self harmers are not attention seekers; they hurt themselves because they are in distress. If they want to talk about it focus on the underlying issue, not the symptoms (i.e. not the cutting);
Accept how you feel about self harm, you may need help dealing with the situation, try support groups, helplines or counselling;
Show you can separate the person from the self harm and that you love that person. "The best thing that my friends did was just being there for me and helping to support me as I was going through some tough times," explains Abbey;
Show them that it is safe to talk openly about their problems to you, but dont push them if they do not want to. "The one thing I can think of that helps is just having someone to hold me when I'm upset," says Aimee;
Listen, but also show an interest by asking questions, to make them realise you care about them. "Quite a few of my friends know that I self harm, and they realise that the best way to help is to never have a go at me, says Kirsty. "They just talk to me and make sure I am honest with them";
Try and help them to work out what their triggers to self harm are and how they can find distractions instead when they feel vulnerable;
Help to find other sources of support help groups, counselling, newsletters, forums and websites;
Get them to keep a diary where they can write down how they are feeling and make notes of when, how and why they self harm;
Allow them space, privacy and trust. "The best thing to do is to keep a distance," says David. "Make it clear that you are there for them but dont be pushy."

Don't:

Ignore your friend; treat them as you would usually. Be supportive, patient, respectful and understanding.
Shout at them, freak out, threaten them with ultimatums, judge, condemn or stereotype all these things are hurtful and will not help. "The worst thing people did was to tell me to 'snap out of it' and that 'you are crazy for cutting'," Abbey reveals. "They would tell me that they were going to lock me up and throw away the key if I didn't stop";
Take it personally they arent trying to make you feel bad/guilty;
Try and get them to stop self harming immediately, it will be difficult and they may not be ready to stop. It is a survival mechanism, so instead of taking it away suddenly, it should slowly be reduced by setting smaller goals at their own pace in their own time. "The worst possible thing you could do is to use emotional (or other) blackmail to get the cutter to stop - it makes the desire stronger, and it makes the cutter feel even more guilty for feeling like they need to," David says.
Panic if it appears that your friend self harms more while they are trying to deal with their problems, it is a scary time for them but they can get through it.

One friend's story

"I saw scars on my best friend's arm so I asked her how she got them and she told me outright. Before then it had never crossed my mind that she would have been doing that, as I'd never really heard much about it. It isn't a widely talked about subject, it seems taboo, like only insane people would ever do it, but that's not true at all.

At first I felt very, very hurt, for both of us. I was upset that she couldn't have told me what was going on in her mind, as we've always been close. I wished I had been there for her and felt I must have been in the wrong because she hadn't told me. I also felt sad for her because she was depressed and had no other way of helping herself.

When I found out I went a bit mad at her, I couldn't understand why she'd done it to herself and why she hadn't told me before. Then I just asked her to talk to me whenever she felt low and not to do this to herself.

I took her to the doctor's to make an appointment about her depression, she declined antidepressants but was referred to counselling, which she went to.

The hardest thing about the situation was not knowing how she was feeling, and whether she'd be doing it again when I wasn't with her, I wanted to watch her 24/7 but couldn't and felt helpless.

My advice to anyone who has a friend who is self harming is get them to seek professional help and listen to them without judging whenever they need you. I don't think people are aware that doctor's surgeries run counselling services for self harmers."

Charlotte, 17