Guilt-ridden and confused
Question
I've had problems with my Dad from an early age. We don't argue, but there's this horrible darkness between us. I'm currently seeing a counsellor and social services have been notified due to a child protection issue. Now I feel like I've gone against him.
My Dad has recently explained to me why he has been the way he has, but that's made me more confused. I feel like he's right and I've got everything wrong. I can't deal with the way I feel about him, I hate myself for it. What's making everything unbearable is that I still live with him. I never feel free, except when I'm at work during the day, or staying with friends.
I drink heavily to escape these feelings when I'm around him. I'm now harming myself again, which I did off and on for two years. I don't cut anymore, but I have begun hurting myself by bashing my head against furniture. I have to feel pain on the outside as there's so much going on inside. I don't know what to do or how to get out of this hell.
Answer
It sounds like things have become increasingly difficult for you and it must be distressing to feel so lost, confused and out of control.
It must be hard to feel unable to talk to your family about the problems you've been having with your dad. It isn't clear what happened in the past, but it sounds worrying since you say social services have been informed. You mention that you've talked through some of the issues with your dad. People do find it helpful to talk things through and explain their feelings, as this can lead to a greater understanding. It might be worth considering continuing these discussions with your dad, perhaps with someone else present if it seems too difficult to alone. The difficulties in your relationship have clearly left you feeling very upset and distressed. It must have been hard to tell your counsellor about him, but it was a very brave step forward. You say you feel a lot of guilt and stress from this and this is affecting how you feel about yourself.
Living with your dad clearly makes you feel very uncomfortable. Drinking excessively and self harming are not ideal ways of coping, although it is understandable you feel the need to do these things due to the way you have been feeling. It's important to consider the physical harm you could be causing yourself and it may be worth seeking medical attention from your doctor (GP) if you have not done so already.
If living with your dad is causing you a lot of despair it might be worth considering alternative accommodation. Perhaps there is a social worker you could speak to about this. It may also be worth contacting your local council, as they will be able to advise you of your housing options. For friendly, impartial advice, you could also call Shelterline on 0808 800 4444.
You may also be feeling increasingly isolated and confused by your situation with your dad. Although you haven't told your family about what has happened, perhaps you have a close close friend you can trust and confide in. This will give them a better understanding of your situation and they may be able to offer you further help and support.
If you do find talking helpful, and would like to speak to someone in confidence other than your counsellor, you can speak to a volunteer at SANELINE. They will be able to give you the time and space to talk about how you are feeling, without judging you or telling you what to do. If you feel this could help, you could call them on 0845 767 8000. Alternatively, Careline is available on 020 8514 1177.
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Question answered by SANE
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