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Relationships chat with Dan & Claire
Claire and Dan are trained relationships advisors currenlty working on askTheSite. They came along to live chat to help with your relationship dilemmas.
Dan: If anyone has anything they would like to get off their chest, that's what we're here for so fire away.
betsy : My tutor took a group of us out to the pub after a seminar. He got very drunk and then started flirting with me. I put it down to him being drunk and although it made me uncomfortable I thought it was something that wouldn't happen again. However, he now seems to be treating me differently. I'm not sure if this is because I didn't let things go very far when he was drunk or whether he's embarrassed. I don't know whether I should wait and see if things improve or just hope that he doesn't get drunk again. The thing is, he's a nice guy and I respect him, I just don't fancy him.
Dan: This sounds like a tricky situation for you. Are you able to talk to him about it?
betsy: I could, but I wouldn't know how to broach it.
skakitty: Maybe after class? Talk about a piece of work, and then say 'Are you ok with me?'
betsy: Yep, that might be a way to do it, thanks skakitty!
Dan: Perhaps if you just give it a little bit of time to settle down initially, then when you feel comfortable choose a moment you can discuss these things together uninterrupted.
Claire: Hi betsy, you may find this article about how to reject someone useful as well.
betsy: Thanks, I'll give that a try!
CoolMe: What would be your advice to someone who's single, has casually seen two people, but has feelings for both of them?
Claire: Hi CoolMe. Don't worry too much at first, enjoy the dating.
Dan: It's common to have feelings for two people; this doesn't make you a bad person.
CoolMe: But pulling them both does.
Claire: It's easy at first to like someone, but over time it will definitely become clear which one you like the most. It may be worth thinking about how much they feel for you. If one of them doesn't see their future with you, then that's your decision made.
Eddish: You could weigh up both and choose one to focus your attention on. Do you see things going somewhere more with one than the other?
betsy: If you're not deceiving either of them then I don't think anyone could call you a slut or anything. As long as you're open to both of them about the other person I don't see a problem.
CoolMe: So it's about looking beyond the physical relationship?
Claire: Definitely. The physical tends to wear off after a while, and you are left with what is underneath; that's what you want to try and base your decision on.
CoolMe: Okay then, thank you.
Claire: Good luck with it and remember to take care of your emotions too.
betsy: I've never had a very close relationship with my sister, but since we've both moved away I've found I've missed her more than I thought I would. How can I go about building a closer sibling relationship with her when we live so far away?
Dan: There are so many ways to keep in touch these days for example, facebook, email and phone. It might even be a nice touch to write her a letter. Anything that shows you want to maintain contact.
betsy: And if she doesn't keep up the contact her end?
Dan: You've told us that you miss her. Perhaps you could tell her?
Claire: Hi Betsy, I've just found something on wikihow which has some ideas. It's talking about keeping in contact with friends but you can relate it to your sister.
betsy: Yep, I could do that, thanks Claire.
Dan: Why not try discussing this with a good friend who will be honest with you?
Strubbles: I'm just afraid he will be too honest with me and that I might not like what he has to say.
Dan: But if it helps, it could be a good thing.
CoolMe: It also depends on which girls you're coming on to, whether it's close friends or people you're meeting in a bar or a club.
Claire: Attractiveness is very much in the eye of the beholder so don't worry too much if you're getting rejected by some girls. Ask yourself whether or not you are going for the ones you have stuff in common with? It's not just about looks. You may feel more comfortable with someone you have things to talk about with.
Strubbles: Thanks for that, I will think about it!
CoolMe: How long does it take for 'certian marks' to disappear?
Claire: As in marks on your neck?
CoolMe: Marks on my neck yes, this is so embarrassing!
Claire: Don't be embarrassed, we've all had a few in our time!
CoolMe: I've got a few bad ones, from two different people and I'm running out of polo tops.
Dan: This article on love bites might be useful.
skakitty: What about a neck scarf?
"Perhaps you should be honest with yourself and with her. Sit down and discuss how you feel otherwise you'll never know."
Claire: Concealer is a good bet in the meantime.
skakitty: Yes, I've heard that a peachy or yellowy tone is good for dark marks.
CoolMe: I just don't want my family seeing. I can fob off some story to my friends.
betsy: They probably wouldn't notice, things always look more noticeable when you notice them on yourself.
Claire: It will only last a few days and your parents will probably laugh about it in time. Apart from that the polo necks, a scarf or some concealer is what I'd recommend and try not to worry about it too much.
Jaloux: Do you have some advice on dealing with anger and resentment towards a partner?
Dan: That sounds like a tough situation. It might help to know that these are emotions we all experience from time to time. Sometimes just communicating with your partner can be a good way of stopping these things from building up.
Jaloux: I have tried to talk to him about it now that the reason for this has moved out (his mum), but he's a bit useless when it comes to talking about stuff. He finds it hard to deal with. I feel bad that I got so upset because of his mum.
Claire: It's good you've recognised that you're feeling resentful. Check out this article on letting go of resentment.
Jaloux: Thanks for the article, I'll have a look.
Dan: It's also worth letting him know that you're there for him if he needs to talk. Sometimes that's all you can do. And you shouldn't feel bad about this being all you can do.
betsy: Were you more angry towards his mum, but channelled that anger towards him?
Jaloux: Yes I think you're right about being angry towards his mum. I was scared of her as well, so I guess it was easier to be angry towards him.
betsy: Maybe now the thing that was aggravating your relationship has gone you may find things start to calm down and you can return to how you were before.
Jaloux: Yes, I immediately felt a sense of relief when she moved out, and things have been improving again. Maybe I just need more time as it's not been long since.
Jo7 Time is always the best healer!
CoolMe: Likewise could be said to my love bite issue!
Dan: Yes, give it time Jaloux. This could be a turning point in your relationship.
dohc: My female friend and I are going on holidays together for three weeks to America. We haven't really hung out since we were sixteen when we had an intimate relationship for about a year. We started meeting up recently and I still feel exactly the same about her. I'm mad about her but I don't want to tell her because I asked her out before and she said no. It's really playing on my mind the whole time.
Hammers: Sounds a bit messy. Have you asked her if she's just not interested in a relationship?
dohc: Yeah, but I asked her six years ago and I'm afraid to ask now in case she says no and the holiday is all awkward.
Claire: It's tricky because you have already booked a trip. There is a danger that if you confess to her how you feel and it's unrequited, then the trip could be awkward. You need to be aware of how you would feel if she rejects you again. One option would be to put your feelings to one side for now.
betsy: Yes. Could you see how she acted with you on holiday first?
dohc: She's hinting we get a double bed for the whole three weeks in the hotel. It's just weird, I feel like I'm being used for sex which is weird from a male perspective.
Claire: If this is what she is suggesting then it's probably worth asking her why she wants that. It could be that she thinks it's cheaper, and you are reading into it.
Hammers: Maybe test the water by enquiring if she's interested in any other boys. If she's enjoying her single life you can save lot of face and not say anything more.
dohc: That's fairly true, but if she has feelings for me I don't want to make it seem like I'm not interested.
Eddish: If she's just after sex, and that happens whilst you have feelings for her, it could get messy and you're the one who stands to get hurt. I wouldn't let that happen until you know exactly what her intentions are.
Dan: Perhaps you should be honest with yourself and with her. Sit down and discuss how you feel otherwise you'll never know. You may want to think about whether you have this discussion before you go away though.
Hammers: Sometimes you have to take a risk and put yourself out there. Yes, it could go very wrong. Is she worth taking the risk for?
dohc: I don't want to ruin our holiday but at the same time I could ruin it by not saying anything.
Claire: This article on falling for your best friend might help you to make up your mind.
Eddish: I'd say don't get involved until you know where she stands. Even if she is worth the risk, it can still cause the sort of 'hurricane-through-an-animal-sanctuary' damage that you don't want.
dohc: True Eddish, I'm really trying not to get attached but she really is a special person.
Dan: It sounds like you really like her and that you're currently very confused about where you might stand; the only way to resolve this it to talk it through with her. It's simply up to you whether you feel you can do this before the holiday.
Claire: I agree. You need to address this so that you can enjoy the trip. Sooner is usually better than later, especially as you can choose a time when you are both sober before holiday mode kicks in!
Dan: Thanks for all your questions guys.
Hammers: It's been insightful! Hope you get things sorted dohc.
dohc: It has been very helpful, thanks to everyone for there advice. I really appreciate it folks.
Claire: Thanks for your questions tonight everyone. Remember you can ask questions anytime via askTheSite.