Relationship chat with Jenna & Fostress
Peer advisor Jenna and discussion board moderator Fostress drop by to offer their support and guidance on relationships, including new relationships, moving on from the past and coping with our own issues and insecurities.
Jenna: Feel free to ask whatever you like.
Dee: My boyfriend and I have been together for about two years. We both have mental health problems - him depression and anxiety, me borderline personality disorder and depression. Recently he's started finding me too much. He's asked me if we can spend occasional nights apart but I find this very hard and get depressed and sometimes suicidal. We've started seeing a Relate counsellor about it. I don't really know what to do. Any help?
Jenna: Hi Dee, thanks for your question. I think it's good you're talking to people about it and you understand what the issues are. What do you do on the nights you're not with him?
Dee: I usually spend them alone at home in my flat, on the computer usually. I don't have many local friends to meet up with that are my friends as we usually go out with his friends.
Jenna: If he feels he needs some time apart, then you respecting that is a good thing. Keeping yourself busy with other things is a good place to start. Try to remember that he's doing it for his own wellbeing which will only have a positive effect on your relationship in the long term. Do you chat online to people when you're alone?
Dee: Yes, I come into chat here on TheSite.org.
Jenna: Do you feel the Relate counselling is helping?
Dee: We've only had one session so far but it seemed to go well.
Jenna: So it's still early days on that front but great you felt it went well. You could try and find out, perhaps from your GP or your counsellor, if there are any local groups for people suffering from depression. Perhaps you could attend their meetings on the nights you're not together?
Fostress: I wonder as well if there are any other ways of self management that you can put into place on those evenings you're apart? Making sure you do activities you know take your mind off things - craft projects, writing etc? As Jenna says, it's good to hear about Relate as well. These things do take time - small steps - but in the right direction :)
Dee: They are good ideas. I need to be busier when I'm alone. I knit so I go to knit night on a Wednesday. I'd like to go to a local depression group or something. Thank you.
Fostress: There's nothing wrong with making a really specific self management plan for those evenings. Knowing that you're susceptible to over-thinking when you're not busy and making sure you have no time for rumination.
Jenna: Yeah, the knit night sounds like a great idea. That's a very popular hobby at the moment!
Fostress: Maybe it's about these small steps, making sure you have definite plans for the nights he's away, and keeping up with Relate - who I think you can also speak to online on some evenings.
Dee: I didn't know that, thanks.
Fostress: No worries, at least you know you're doing all the right things and going in the right direction. You also seem to have a lot of self awareness about what the issues are. That's all really positive in itself.
Jenna: Good luck and hope all the advice helped a bit. Feel free to stay around and ask more questions if you like.
Dee: Thank you for your help.
Zoe: I have a friend who I would like to be more than a friend, but he doesn't believe a lot of the things I say. I understand because I have a tendency to over-exaggerate and embellish things a lot, but how do I make him believe the truth? If I tell him it's the truth he just tells me I'm being stubborn and it's dead annoying. He knows I want more from him and even though it's moving dead slowly that's kind of nice.
Jenna: It all sounds positive on the whole as you're already friends. These sorts of difficulties in communication can take time to resolve. The fact he knows you like him and hasn't totally backed off is also a positive.
Zoe: I'm trying really hard to be more honest (with myself as much as with him) but it's hard to not just go, "You know what, you're right! Obviously I'm lying because everything I say is a lie!"
Fostress: It's probably just how you said it but 'making him' sounds like it needs an instant solution - he must believe me and immediately. Whereas, in fact, maybe it's more of a slow burn thing - him taking time to realise you don't lie to him.
Jenna: Is there any reason why you feel you over-exaggerate things?
Zoe: Because I want people to like me and I believe they won't unless I'm this amazing wonderful person that I make myself out to be. But he likes me for me, or he seems to, and that's weird for me. I don't want anyone else either and that's even weirder. I'm pretty much head over heels actually.
Fostress: Have you told him that you're finding this hard and about why you lie to him? Have you had an open conversation about that element?
Zoe: He would tell me I'm making excuses. Or, I think he would.
Jenna: People like people for different reasons so just keep being yourself. I'm sure you're an amazing person, although it can be hard to see the positive in ourselves sometimes.
Zoe: It's not often I outright lie - it's more embellishment and exaggeration of the truth.
Fostress: Sounds like there's a few different issues muddled together here. There's getting him to believe you more and get out of this rut of not believing you (which might take a bit of time), and then your self esteem and getting your head around the idea that he likes you for you.
Zoe: Yeah, that's hard for me. I don't like myself a whole lot.
Fostress: Admitting it is a good step though (that it's hard to believe someone likes you).
Jenna: It sounds like you're trying to impress him. He's already said he likes you for you and that's usually the first hurdle to get over when we like someone.
Zoe: I feel like a twelve year old with a school-girl crush. It's ridiculous because I'm 23 years old and he's 29 and he makes me so nervous I can barely speak around him.
Fostress: That's really common I think when you have a crush on someone. It's all-consuming and can actually make your self esteem worse as you might look at yourself through their eyes a bit and question everything.
Jenna: Have you spoken to anyone about your low self esteem?
Zoe: I'm in therapy. I have body image problems too. So I used to use my body to make people like me and that's made it worse.
Jenna: It's good to hear you're dealing with those issues through therapy. When we really like someone it's natural to be nervous around them so try not to beat yourself up too much on that front.
Zoe: Yeah, I do feel a bit daft, though.
Fostress: A lot of people do, or have done that in the past Zoe. Accepting mistakes and things you wish you'd done differently and learning from them is what it's all about!
Zoe: Yeah, I'm a lot better at it than I used to be. I try not to do it at all now because I want him to trust me.
Fostress: The things that really make us cringe or feel daft and properly stupid are often the ones that you really develop and learn from.
Jenna: Trust can take time to build, have you discussed how you feel with him?
"It's important to remember that we're all different and we deal with break ups and relationships in different ways. There are no set rules. If taking time between them feels right for you, then great, but if having a new relationship is the path you've taken then that's also ok."
Zoe: Oh, he's aware, yes.
Jenna: And what's his response to that?
Zoe: I'm not really sure. I'm not 100% sure how he feels about me really. He's not massively responsive when I do that, so I'm just trying to let it play out.
Jenna: Can I ask how often you see him? What sorts of situations to do you see him in?
Zoe: Not massively often, but I'm trying to make it more often. We tend to go out in London because it's in the middle.
Jenna: So you meet up just the two of you?
Zoe: Yep, usually.
Fostress: Sometimes letting it play out and giving it time can really help things work. While this is happening, I guess you can think about managing yourself and how you feel about it so it doesn't affect your mood/self esteem too much.
Zoe: I actually trust him more than anyone else in the world which is weird.
Fostress: It's great that you've got a connection with him like this, although obviously it's scary as well. Starting relationships does leave you vulnerable and affect your self esteem too. But, as you say, you have to weigh this against the positives and think about what you want and how long you want to wait for it.
Jenna: It sounds like you're waiting for him to let you know how he really feels and where you stand with him. These things can take time but it seems you're getting to know each other by meeting up and doing things together which is great. As Fostress says maybe you need to think about how long you're prepared to wait?
Zoe: I've been waiting over a year and things are finally starting to progress, so fingers crossed.
Jenna: If you feel they're progressing then have some faith in that. Perhaps he also has feelings he needs, or needed to, deal with himself.
Zoe: I'm trying :) It's just frustrating because I think there's something else going on in his head that's making him so closed off but I don't really want to be too accusatory.
Jenna: Unfortunately we never know what's going on in someone's head but it can take time for people to open up if they're just not used to doing that.
Fostress: TheSite article on communicating as a couple really does have some good tips, within couples and just friends as well.
Zoe: Thanks :)
Jenna: Hope some of the advice has helped Zoe.
Zoe: It has, thank you :)
Fostress: I think it's great that you're aware of the issues that youre dealing with and are thinking about ways to deal with them - working on your self esteem and the way you behave around him, and taking things slowly but being aware of what you want. Well done :)
Jenna: Does anyone else have any questions?
Fostress: These chats are also quite a good chance to focus on relationships and give peer support as well so do add in your own advice. Often relationships issues do need more thought and discussion and different perspectives after all!
G: How do you know if you're really really really not just searching for someone because it's a rebound thing and, in fact, you're ready to carry on with life?
Jenna: Hey G, thanks for your question. Sometimes rebounds can be part of getting on with life but you can never know 100%. You just have to go with what feels right for you at the time.
Fostress: Like with any relationship decision, there's no guarantee that decisions you make are the 'right' ones, because really, all there is, is whats happening at the time. There are lots of factors that you can take into account, but it isn't like searching for a 'right' answer that's out there.
Jenna: Rebound often suggests something negative but actually it's all part of moving on as long as you're honest with yourself and the other person.
Dee: I think you should wait a while between relationships if you think it could be a rebound thing.
Jenna: Dee that's a really good point. It's also important to remember that we're all different and we deal with break ups and relationships in different ways. There are no set rules. If taking time between them feels right for you, then great, but if having a new relationship is the path you've taken then that's also ok.
Fostress: Waiting for feelings to settle from times in the past can help you be more clear about new feelings, that's true. But it's hard to tell if you met someone you really like soon after, or if you are still muddled from the previous relationship. I guess maybe the question is not 'Is this a rebound?' but 'Am I over my previous relationship/ready for a new one?'.
G: That's been good, thank you all :)
yellowseahorse: I'm trying to do the friends thing with my ex. If it was up to me, I'd just cut all ties because I still find it really painful at the moment. But he's ill at home a lot of the time and he doesn't have many friends. Anyway, he wants to get back with his ex (part of the reason he split with me) and I don't know how to be a friend to him when I find it too hard myself really.
I can handle the friends thing at the moment, he's been really great to me recently. It's just if he did get back with his ex I don't know how I'd cope with it, bringing back all the feelings of betrayal etc. I want him to be happy but I don't know if I could listen to how happy he is with her.
Jenna: I think you need to think about how happy you are and concentrate on how this situation is making you feel. You said yourself that if it was up to you, you would cut all ties.
You seem to still really care about him - you're worried about how he's feeling and about still being friends with him. But if it's affecting your happiness it might be a good idea for you to think about what you'll get out of this situation.
Fostress: You've probably heard it before but, as Jenna says, you need to think about yourself here too Yellow. A friendship with him before you're ready will be damaging for your friendship with each other in the long term, not just for you. So you're not being mean to him by saying 'not at the moment' but instead thinking more long term.
yellowseahorse: Yeah.
Jenna: You won't truly be able to be friends until you're totally over him and the relationship you were in. Again, this is something that can really take time. If him getting back with his ex is going to be too painful for you then perhaps stepping away from your friendship for a while will help you deal with how it may affect you.
yellowseahorse: Yeah that makes sense. I think it will help when I go back to uni. Hopefully the first time I see him I'll then know that there isn't a chance of us getting back together.
Fostress: Rebuilding a really healthy friendship with an ex can take a long time. Unless you do it in a way that doesn't end up hurting and arguing between you, it might well take longer.
Jenna: It also sounds a little like you feel sorry for him in a way - him being at home a lot and not having any friends and, without this sounding mean, that's not really your problem. It's okay to be a little selfish and think of yourself for a while until you're ready. Only then can you really build on having a friendship together.
yellowseahorse: I think I need that step to start properly moving on and then friendship can come later. Thanks guys :) You've given me a lot to think about.
Fostress: Yeah. There's a time for looking out for yourself in life, being gentle with yourself and being nice to yourself - as well as others :) Sounds like you've got the right plan yellow really.
Jenna: Thank you all for joining in the chat tonight. Its been great and very interesting. I hope our advice really helped and we wish you all the best with everything!
Relationship chat with Jenna & Fostress
Peer advisor Jenna and discussion board moderator Fostress drop by to offer their support and guidance on relationships, including new relationships, moving on from the past and coping with our own issues and insecurities.
Jenna: Feel free to ask whatever you like.
Dee: My boyfriend and I have been together for about two years. We both have mental health problems - him depression and anxiety, me borderline personality disorder and depression. Recently he's started finding me too much. He's asked me if we can spend occasional nights apart but I find this very hard and get depressed and sometimes suicidal. We've started seeing a Relate counsellor about it. I don't really know what to do. Any help?
Jenna: Hi Dee, thanks for your question. I think it's good you're talking to people about it and you understand what the issues are. What do you do on the nights you're not with him?
Dee: I usually spend them alone at home in my flat, on the computer usually. I don't have many local friends to meet up with that are my friends as we usually go out with his friends.
Jenna: If he feels he needs some time apart, then you respecting that is a good thing. Keeping yourself busy with other things is a good place to start. Try to remember that he's doing it for his own wellbeing which will only have a positive effect on your relationship in the long term. Do you chat online to people when you're alone?
Dee: Yes, I come into chat here on TheSite.org.
Jenna: Do you feel the Relate counselling is helping?
Dee: We've only had one session so far but it seemed to go well.
Jenna: So it's still early days on that front but great you felt it went well. You could try and find out, perhaps from your GP or your counsellor, if there are any local groups for people suffering from depression. Perhaps you could attend their meetings on the nights you're not together?
Fostress: I wonder as well if there are any other ways of self management that you can put into place on those evenings you're apart? Making sure you do activities you know take your mind off things - craft projects, writing etc? As Jenna says, it's good to hear about Relate as well. These things do take time - small steps - but in the right direction :)
Dee: They are good ideas. I need to be busier when I'm alone. I knit so I go to knit night on a Wednesday. I'd like to go to a local depression group or something. Thank you.
Fostress: There's nothing wrong with making a really specific self management plan for those evenings. Knowing that you're susceptible to over-thinking when you're not busy and making sure you have no time for rumination.
Jenna: Yeah, the knit night sounds like a great idea. That's a very popular hobby at the moment!
Fostress: Maybe it's about these small steps, making sure you have definite plans for the nights he's away, and keeping up with Relate - who I think you can also speak to online on some evenings.
Dee: I didn't know that, thanks.
Fostress: No worries, at least you know you're doing all the right things and going in the right direction. You also seem to have a lot of self awareness about what the issues are. That's all really positive in itself.
Jenna: Good luck and hope all the advice helped a bit. Feel free to stay around and ask more questions if you like.
Dee: Thank you for your help.
Zoe: I have a friend who I would like to be more than a friend, but he doesn't believe a lot of the things I say. I understand because I have a tendency to over-exaggerate and embellish things a lot, but how do I make him believe the truth? If I tell him it's the truth he just tells me I'm being stubborn and it's dead annoying. He knows I want more from him and even though it's moving dead slowly that's kind of nice.
Jenna: It all sounds positive on the whole as you're already friends. These sorts of difficulties in communication can take time to resolve. The fact he knows you like him and hasn't totally backed off is also a positive.
Zoe: I'm trying really hard to be more honest (with myself as much as with him) but it's hard to not just go, "You know what, you're right! Obviously I'm lying because everything I say is a lie!"
Fostress: It's probably just how you said it but 'making him' sounds like it needs an instant solution - he must believe me and immediately. Whereas, in fact, maybe it's more of a slow burn thing - him taking time to realise you don't lie to him.
Jenna: Is there any reason why you feel you over-exaggerate things?
Zoe: Because I want people to like me and I believe they won't unless I'm this amazing wonderful person that I make myself out to be. But he likes me for me, or he seems to, and that's weird for me. I don't want anyone else either and that's even weirder. I'm pretty much head over heels actually.
Fostress: Have you told him that you're finding this hard and about why you lie to him? Have you had an open conversation about that element?
Zoe: He would tell me I'm making excuses. Or, I think he would.
Jenna: People like people for different reasons so just keep being yourself. I'm sure you're an amazing person, although it can be hard to see the positive in ourselves sometimes.
Zoe: It's not often I outright lie - it's more embellishment and exaggeration of the truth.
Fostress: Sounds like there's a few different issues muddled together here. There's getting him to believe you more and get out of this rut of not believing you (which might take a bit of time), and then your self esteem and getting your head around the idea that he likes you for you.
Zoe: Yeah, that's hard for me. I don't like myself a whole lot.
Fostress: Admitting it is a good step though (that it's hard to believe someone likes you).
Jenna: It sounds like you're trying to impress him. He's already said he likes you for you and that's usually the first hurdle to get over when we like someone.
Zoe: I feel like a twelve year old with a school-girl crush. It's ridiculous because I'm 23 years old and he's 29 and he makes me so nervous I can barely speak around him.
Fostress: That's really common I think when you have a crush on someone. It's all-consuming and can actually make your self esteem worse as you might look at yourself through their eyes a bit and question everything.
Jenna: Have you spoken to anyone about your low self esteem?
Zoe: I'm in therapy. I have body image problems too. So I used to use my body to make people like me and that's made it worse.
Jenna: It's good to hear you're dealing with those issues through therapy. When we really like someone it's natural to be nervous around them so try not to beat yourself up too much on that front.
Zoe: Yeah, I do feel a bit daft, though.
Fostress: A lot of people do, or have done that in the past Zoe. Accepting mistakes and things you wish you'd done differently and learning from them is what it's all about!
Zoe: Yeah, I'm a lot better at it than I used to be. I try not to do it at all now because I want him to trust me.
Fostress: The things that really make us cringe or feel daft and properly stupid are often the ones that you really develop and learn from.
Jenna: Trust can take time to build, have you discussed how you feel with him?
Zoe: Oh, he's aware, yes.
Jenna: And what's his response to that?
Zoe: I'm not really sure. I'm not 100% sure how he feels about me really. He's not massively responsive when I do that, so I'm just trying to let it play out.
Jenna: Can I ask how often you see him? What sorts of situations to do you see him in?
Zoe: Not massively often, but I'm trying to make it more often. We tend to go out in London because it's in the middle.
Jenna: So you meet up just the two of you?
Zoe: Yep, usually.
Fostress: Sometimes letting it play out and giving it time can really help things work. While this is happening, I guess you can think about managing yourself and how you feel about it so it doesn't affect your mood/self esteem too much.
Zoe: I actually trust him more than anyone else in the world which is weird.
Fostress: It's great that you've got a connection with him like this, although obviously it's scary as well. Starting relationships does leave you vulnerable and affect your self esteem too. But, as you say, you have to weigh this against the positives and think about what you want and how long you want to wait for it.
Jenna: It sounds like you're waiting for him to let you know how he really feels and where you stand with him. These things can take time but it seems you're getting to know each other by meeting up and doing things together which is great. As Fostress says maybe you need to think about how long you're prepared to wait?
Zoe: I've been waiting over a year and things are finally starting to progress, so fingers crossed.
Jenna: If you feel they're progressing then have some faith in that. Perhaps he also has feelings he needs, or needed to, deal with himself.
Zoe: I'm trying :) It's just frustrating because I think there's something else going on in his head that's making him so closed off but I don't really want to be too accusatory.
Jenna: Unfortunately we never know what's going on in someone's head but it can take time for people to open up if they're just not used to doing that.
Fostress: TheSite article on communicating as a couple really does have some good tips, within couples and just friends as well.
Zoe: Thanks :)
Jenna: Hope some of the advice has helped Zoe.
Zoe: It has, thank you :)
Fostress: I think it's great that you're aware of the issues that youre dealing with and are thinking about ways to deal with them - working on your self esteem and the way you behave around him, and taking things slowly but being aware of what you want. Well done :)
Jenna: Does anyone else have any questions?
Fostress: These chats are also quite a good chance to focus on relationships and give peer support as well so do add in your own advice. Often relationships issues do need more thought and discussion and different perspectives after all!
G: How do you know if you're really really really not just searching for someone because it's a rebound thing and, in fact, you're ready to carry on with life?
Jenna: Hey G, thanks for your question. Sometimes rebounds can be part of getting on with life but you can never know 100%. You just have to go with what feels right for you at the time.
Fostress: Like with any relationship decision, there's no guarantee that decisions you make are the 'right' ones, because really, all there is, is whats happening at the time. There are lots of factors that you can take into account, but it isn't like searching for a 'right' answer that's out there.
Jenna: Rebound often suggests something negative but actually it's all part of moving on as long as you're honest with yourself and the other person.
Dee: I think you should wait a while between relationships if you think it could be a rebound thing.
Jenna: Dee that's a really good point. It's also important to remember that we're all different and we deal with break ups and relationships in different ways. There are no set rules. If taking time between them feels right for you, then great, but if having a new relationship is the path you've taken then that's also ok.
Fostress: Waiting for feelings to settle from times in the past can help you be more clear about new feelings, that's true. But it's hard to tell if you met someone you really like soon after, or if you are still muddled from the previous relationship. I guess maybe the question is not 'Is this a rebound?' but 'Am I over my previous relationship/ready for a new one?'.
G: That's been good, thank you all :)
yellowseahorse: I'm trying to do the friends thing with my ex. If it was up to me, I'd just cut all ties because I still find it really painful at the moment. But he's ill at home a lot of the time and he doesn't have many friends. Anyway, he wants to get back with his ex (part of the reason he split with me) and I don't know how to be a friend to him when I find it too hard myself really.
I can handle the friends thing at the moment, he's been really great to me recently. It's just if he did get back with his ex I don't know how I'd cope with it, bringing back all the feelings of betrayal etc. I want him to be happy but I don't know if I could listen to how happy he is with her.
Jenna: I think you need to think about how happy you are and concentrate on how this situation is making you feel. You said yourself that if it was up to you, you would cut all ties.
You seem to still really care about him - you're worried about how he's feeling and about still being friends with him. But if it's affecting your happiness it might be a good idea for you to think about what you'll get out of this situation.
Fostress: You've probably heard it before but, as Jenna says, you need to think about yourself here too Yellow. A friendship with him before you're ready will be damaging for your friendship with each other in the long term, not just for you. So you're not being mean to him by saying 'not at the moment' but instead thinking more long term.
yellowseahorse: Yeah.
Jenna: You won't truly be able to be friends until you're totally over him and the relationship you were in. Again, this is something that can really take time. If him getting back with his ex is going to be too painful for you then perhaps stepping away from your friendship for a while will help you deal with how it may affect you.
yellowseahorse: Yeah that makes sense. I think it will help when I go back to uni. Hopefully the first time I see him I'll then know that there isn't a chance of us getting back together.
Fostress: Rebuilding a really healthy friendship with an ex can take a long time. Unless you do it in a way that doesn't end up hurting and arguing between you, it might well take longer.
Jenna: It also sounds a little like you feel sorry for him in a way - him being at home a lot and not having any friends and, without this sounding mean, that's not really your problem. It's okay to be a little selfish and think of yourself for a while until you're ready. Only then can you really build on having a friendship together.
yellowseahorse: I think I need that step to start properly moving on and then friendship can come later. Thanks guys :) You've given me a lot to think about.
Fostress: Yeah. There's a time for looking out for yourself in life, being gentle with yourself and being nice to yourself - as well as others :) Sounds like you've got the right plan yellow really.
Jenna: Thank you all for joining in the chat tonight. Its been great and very interesting. I hope our advice really helped and we wish you all the best with everything!