Relationships - with Jenna from askTheSite
Jenna, a peer advisor from askTheSite , drops in to live chat to answer questions on friendships and communicating better with your partner.
Oracle: How do you stop being everyone's problem dumpster and then being shunned because you know too much?
Jenna: Thanks for your question Oracle, do you mean that everyone is telling you their problems? Is it getting a bit much?
Oracle: Friends only spend time with me to unload and never want to know me when they don't have a problem.
Jenna: I see, so you are their listening ear?
Oracle: Yes.
Jenna: It's good they know they can come to you, but hard if that's all they talk about. Friendships need to be a two way street, so you need to be able to each talk about your problems as well. Have you spoken to them about how you feel?
Oracle: Yes, they get angry at me.
Jenna: Why do you think that they get angry? Are you caught in the middle of their problems?
Oracle: They get angry if I want to spend time with them without talking about their problems. They get angry if I say I'm too tired to listen.
Jenna: They obviously see you as a good friend to want to talk to, but you need support too. Often people need an outlet for their problems; what about suggesting to them that they talk to someone else as well as you?
You can only listen so much and it can be draining to take everyone's problems on board. Perhaps you need to make it clear that you're prepared to listen to their problems but that you like to seek support too and need to talk to them.
Jo7: You may want to have a look at this article on friendship ruts. One of the things suggested is taking some space to yourself for a while.
Jenna: Do you see them as good friends to have?
Oracle: Not really, but they're all I have.
Jenna: You obviously have good listening skills and a lot of patience which are both great qualities. You also deserve friends who will listen to you. Do you have any opportunities to meet new people?
Oracle: No. I've been very ill for the past two years so I can't go out for more than an hour.
Jenna: It's understandable that you're having a difficult time with this; try not to be too hard on yourself. Perhaps you could suggest an activity to do with your friends that doesn't involve you just listening to them, a film night or something?
Oracle: They talk over the films! Lol... We used to do those but they stopped coming to them about six months ago so I only see them when they want something now.
Jenna: You said you have told them how you feel; do you think you've stood up for yourself enough? If they are really good friends they should be able to take what you say on board and listen to you.
Fostress: I noticed you've posted on TheSite.org boards as well Oracle. That's a great place for support and friendship. There are loads of general chat sessions you can come along to as well.
Oracle: Thanks. I'm not sure I express myself properly. It's similar to the problem with my partner. I listen to his problems all the time but when I speak about mine he gets angry and says he doesn't want to talk about it.
Jenna: It sounds like you provide good support for everyone else, but you need it too! You may have difficulty saying how you feel and perhaps get anxious when doing so. This is really common.
Fostress: There's a really good self esteem test on NetDoctor which you could have a go at and follow the answer for your rating. Sometimes working on your self esteem can help you stand up for yourself.
"Sometimes people get so caught up in their own problems, it's easy to forget that they need to provide support for their friends too."
Oracle: Thanks for that. I have dyspraxia so emotional stress makes me stutter or get frustrated and I repeat myself. I can't think of words after that so I go quiet.
Jenna: That sounds like it must be incredibly frustrating. How about writing down what you want to say? Have you tried that? When you want to discuss something with your partner, make notes on what you want to tell him and show it to him so you can discuss it together?
Oracle: I'm not sure where to start. I've tried that before and it frustrated him having to read. He just kept asking me to speak.
Jenna: Have you explained why it is difficult for you to speak?
Oracle: Yeah, he knows. I write completely fine. It's just verbal communication I have trouble with.
Jenna: I understand. It sounds like you are a very caring person Oracle and are concerned about how you come across to your friends and your partner. You are being very considerate to their feelings and you should be really proud of that. It might be an idea to step back and think about you now.
Take a look at some of the articles suggested and take your time when talking and thinking about what to do next.
Oracle: Thank you.
Jenna: You need to be comfortable in your relationships and you deserve to have good friends that give you the time you give them! Sometimes people get so caught up in their own problems, it's easy to forget that they need to provide support for their friends too.
Oracle: Yeah.
Jenna: You could consider writing to your friends and explaining that you are there for them, but that it's hard to be their support blanket all the time. You value their friendship and want to make the most out of your time together, sharing your problems with each other equally.
Fostress: You may have seen this already but the Dyspraxia Foundation suggests relaxation techniques which might help. Do you have you someone - maybe a professional - who knows more about your illness? Someone who you can ask about techniques to practice controlling your stutter?
Oracle: I had help for my stutter for three years. It only happens now when Im extremely stressed.
Jenna: You mentioned that during discussions your partner can get angry and the situation can get stressed. Perhaps treat it as more of a discussion if you can. Take turns to speak to one another and listen to each other. It could even be really planned, you could speak for 10 minutes and then he could speak for 10 minutes, not interrupting or talking over each other so you are both clear in what you want to say. Take deep breaths before you talk and think it through, there's no rush.
You should be able to take the time to consider what each other has to say and want to hear what each other's problems are.
Fostress: There's an article on TheSite.org about dealing with arguments which you might find useful too.
Oracle: He tends to think about other things when I talk for long periods, then wander off to the TV without hearing a word. If I force him to listen that's when he gets angry. It's very isolating at times.
Jenna: I imagine it is. You appear to have amazing strength in wanting to improve your relationships. The live chats that Fostress mentioned on Mondays, Wednesdays, Thursdays and Sundays are a really good way of discussing anything that is on your mind and having people who are willing to listen.
Oracle: Thank you.
Jenna: You're welcome.
Jo7: As Jenna said, it can be a great outlet to talk to people online and get other people's ideas and share what you're going through.
Jenna: I hope our chat has helped.
Oracle: Yes, thank you.
Relationships - with Jenna from askTheSite
Jenna, a peer advisor from askTheSite , drops in to live chat to answer questions on friendships and communicating better with your partner.
Oracle: How do you stop being everyone's problem dumpster and then being shunned because you know too much?
Jenna: Thanks for your question Oracle, do you mean that everyone is telling you their problems? Is it getting a bit much?
Oracle: Friends only spend time with me to unload and never want to know me when they don't have a problem.
Jenna: I see, so you are their listening ear?
Oracle: Yes.
Jenna: It's good they know they can come to you, but hard if that's all they talk about. Friendships need to be a two way street, so you need to be able to each talk about your problems as well. Have you spoken to them about how you feel?
Oracle: Yes, they get angry at me.
Jenna: Why do you think that they get angry? Are you caught in the middle of their problems?
Oracle: They get angry if I want to spend time with them without talking about their problems. They get angry if I say I'm too tired to listen.
Jenna: They obviously see you as a good friend to want to talk to, but you need support too. Often people need an outlet for their problems; what about suggesting to them that they talk to someone else as well as you?
You can only listen so much and it can be draining to take everyone's problems on board. Perhaps you need to make it clear that you're prepared to listen to their problems but that you like to seek support too and need to talk to them.
Jo7: You may want to have a look at this article on friendship ruts. One of the things suggested is taking some space to yourself for a while.
Jenna: Do you see them as good friends to have?
Oracle: Not really, but they're all I have.
Jenna: You obviously have good listening skills and a lot of patience which are both great qualities. You also deserve friends who will listen to you. Do you have any opportunities to meet new people?
Oracle: No. I've been very ill for the past two years so I can't go out for more than an hour.
Jenna: It's understandable that you're having a difficult time with this; try not to be too hard on yourself. Perhaps you could suggest an activity to do with your friends that doesn't involve you just listening to them, a film night or something?
Oracle: They talk over the films! Lol... We used to do those but they stopped coming to them about six months ago so I only see them when they want something now.
Jenna: You said you have told them how you feel; do you think you've stood up for yourself enough? If they are really good friends they should be able to take what you say on board and listen to you.
Fostress: I noticed you've posted on TheSite.org boards as well Oracle. That's a great place for support and friendship. There are loads of general chat sessions you can come along to as well.
Oracle: Thanks. I'm not sure I express myself properly. It's similar to the problem with my partner. I listen to his problems all the time but when I speak about mine he gets angry and says he doesn't want to talk about it.
Jenna: It sounds like you provide good support for everyone else, but you need it too! You may have difficulty saying how you feel and perhaps get anxious when doing so. This is really common.
Fostress: There's a really good self esteem test on NetDoctor which you could have a go at and follow the answer for your rating. Sometimes working on your self esteem can help you stand up for yourself.
Oracle: Thanks for that. I have dyspraxia so emotional stress makes me stutter or get frustrated and I repeat myself. I can't think of words after that so I go quiet.
Jenna: That sounds like it must be incredibly frustrating. How about writing down what you want to say? Have you tried that? When you want to discuss something with your partner, make notes on what you want to tell him and show it to him so you can discuss it together?
Oracle: I'm not sure where to start. I've tried that before and it frustrated him having to read. He just kept asking me to speak.
Jenna: Have you explained why it is difficult for you to speak?
Oracle: Yeah, he knows. I write completely fine. It's just verbal communication I have trouble with.
Jenna: I understand. It sounds like you are a very caring person Oracle and are concerned about how you come across to your friends and your partner. You are being very considerate to their feelings and you should be really proud of that. It might be an idea to step back and think about you now.
Take a look at some of the articles suggested and take your time when talking and thinking about what to do next.
Oracle: Thank you.
Jenna: You need to be comfortable in your relationships and you deserve to have good friends that give you the time you give them! Sometimes people get so caught up in their own problems, it's easy to forget that they need to provide support for their friends too.
Oracle: Yeah.
Jenna: You could consider writing to your friends and explaining that you are there for them, but that it's hard to be their support blanket all the time. You value their friendship and want to make the most out of your time together, sharing your problems with each other equally.
Fostress: You may have seen this already but the Dyspraxia Foundation suggests relaxation techniques which might help. Do you have you someone - maybe a professional - who knows more about your illness? Someone who you can ask about techniques to practice controlling your stutter?
Oracle: I had help for my stutter for three years. It only happens now when Im extremely stressed.
Jenna: You mentioned that during discussions your partner can get angry and the situation can get stressed. Perhaps treat it as more of a discussion if you can. Take turns to speak to one another and listen to each other. It could even be really planned, you could speak for 10 minutes and then he could speak for 10 minutes, not interrupting or talking over each other so you are both clear in what you want to say. Take deep breaths before you talk and think it through, there's no rush.
You should be able to take the time to consider what each other has to say and want to hear what each other's problems are.
Fostress: There's an article on TheSite.org about dealing with arguments which you might find useful too.
Oracle: He tends to think about other things when I talk for long periods, then wander off to the TV without hearing a word. If I force him to listen that's when he gets angry. It's very isolating at times.
Jenna: I imagine it is. You appear to have amazing strength in wanting to improve your relationships. The live chats that Fostress mentioned on Mondays, Wednesdays, Thursdays and Sundays are a really good way of discussing anything that is on your mind and having people who are willing to listen.
Oracle: Thank you.
Jenna: You're welcome.
Jo7: As Jenna said, it can be a great outlet to talk to people online and get other people's ideas and share what you're going through.
Jenna: I hope our chat has helped.
Oracle: Yes, thank you.