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Community: Real Life

Coming out

16-year-old Rob* recently came out to his parents; one week later he spoke to TheSite about exploring his sexuality.

I realised I liked lads as well as girls when I was around 12 or 13. It happened slowly, but I started to find I preferred guys and that's where I'm at now. I guess that makes me either gay or bi-but-prefer-guys? I dunno, the labelling is not something I really think about or see as a big deal.

Going to an all-boys grammar school in the Home Counties, despite the stereotypes, isn't the most open-minded place to find out more about different sexualities. Still, to be fair, I do know of five or six gay/bi people at my school and my mates that know about my sexuality are all really cool about it. I also found an understanding teacher who is good to talk to. It sounds like something you wouldn't want to do but I found telling a teacher really helpful.

That said, the best resource I have found for talking about my feelings and experiences is the internet. Everything would have been way harder without it. The net is great as you can find out information, act on your curiosities, and flirt and meet people. I've met a few people off Faceparty. You hear the scare stories in the papers about meeting people offline but I've never had any problems. Maybe I've been lucky but I think if you're sensible, meet in a public place, and make the effort to protect your welfare at every stage it's unlikely that anything bad will happen.

I don't know why I wanted to come out. It was probably just to be honest, and so I didn't have to lie, I guess. All the people I told were really cool. Some were a little surprised, but as most of them knew other gay people outside of school I thought they'd be OK. Nobody really cared much though, or saw it as something that matters which it doesn't - I'm still the same person as I was before.

I've heard some coming out horror stories; parents kicking people out etc, but it's pretty rare I think. I've heard of more people's parents saying they always knew or that it doesn't matter. Because of this, a week or so ago I told my parents. It was really scary, but I thought I should because other people had known for much longer than them. They were fine about it too, which surprised me, if I'm honest. My parents said they wouldn't think of me any differently. I told my brother too over a year ago and he was great, which I thought he would be as he had friends who were gay. The only people I haven't broached the issue with are my grandparents, and I don't really want to. I don't expect they'd take it well as they were brought up when it was illegal and they have entirely different views about sexuality and relationships.

I'm sure it'll get easier for young people in the future. Attitudes seem to be changing; slowly not being 'straight' has become more acceptable. I guess it is a private thing if you want it to be, 'cos really it is just wanting to go out with guys instead of girls and that's it. I'll only tell mates really, I don't see the need to tell somebody I don't even know.

Rob's advice to others on coming out

Parents/guardians: Just do it when you're ready. If you think they won't take it well it might be best to tell them when you're not reliant on them, i.e. when you're 18 and have moved out. Though loads of people think their parents won't take it well are proved wrong I guess you can come out with subtle hints or just come out and say it, but it's probably easier to confront it head on and get it over with.

Others: There's no easy way to come out, you've just got to do it when you're ready and sure that it's the right thing for you to do. You could always say nothing but often people will work it out and wonder, I think it is better for people to know openly than have them whispering rumours when you're 30 and have never had a girlfriend!

* not his real name


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