Community: Real Life

Twitching twats


Lily

Lily is actually quite a nice and reasonable person. She is 16 years old and about to enjoy the longest and best summer ever. When she is not on killing sprees in her French class she enjoys listening to music, writing/drawing nonsense, looking at shoes and eating biscuits. One day she'd like to save the world, but probably later because right now she's saving up for a new pair of boots.

Don't twitch near Lily or she'll cut off your hands and feed them to rabid smurfs

I am sitting in French and I am surrounded by maniacs. They are all psychopathic weirdos with no kind of awareness of what is around them. Opposite me I can see someone cleaning out their brace with their tongue and I can actually hear the grate of teeth on tongue. I turn my head to the front, trying to focus on the board. But no, in my line of vision I can see someone biting her nails. And in time with soft ripping of nails the girl next to me is rubbing at a cluster of spots (has she not ever read a teen magazine?), I can see the grease sliding around her face. It is taunting me.

"Lily?" says Mr Walls.

"I'm terribly sorry, I would've been listening if it weren't for THE SUFFOCATING SOUND OF YOUR INSANE FRENCH CLASS TWITCHING IN UNISON."

And then I jump up and run through the class with an axe.

Fine. Maybe that's overreacting a little, but I'm not being over sensitive here. It's just plain irritating. Especially when you're tired, or in a bit of a bad mood, (or it's Monday, or a weekday, or the weekend) little habits become magnified a thousand times. Even if you're not as highly strung as I obviously am (although I prefer to call it a heightened sense of awareness and therefore I'm just further up the evolutionary ladder) some of the twitches are just disgusting.

"You're picking your nose on my train, in my carriage, next to me. I don't want to see you fondle your nostrils lovingly"

Nose picking is a classic. "Oh look at me, I've got a terribly itchy nostril, how awful." LIAR. You're picking your nose. You're picking your nose on my train, in my carriage, next to me. I don't want to see you fondle your nostrils lovingly. Do you have chronic hay fever? Take an antihistamine! Will your nose fall off if you don't do that?

I'm sure there are acceptable circumstances. (Well I'm not actually, but I'm trying to be reasonable.) Like nose-falling-off disease. But if you are in control of yourself then there really is no need. I think I may start up Twitchers Anonymous, there would be amazing recovery techniques; such as relaxation techniques, wearing mittens and amputation.

So if you're a twitcher I'd watch out. I could be on the tube next to you, or behind you on the bus, or under your bed. I will not show mercy until you show me a doctor's note saying you just can't help yourself. If so, don't be offended if I move, because I can feel the air particles move around you even if I can't see or hear you. I just know it's happening.

As for the rest of you, you twitchers with no excuse, if it were up to me, your hands would be cut off and fed to rabid smurfs. Then I'd put you in a room with all the other twitchers and watch you try to twitch without your hands. Just try.

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Updated: 11/02/2005


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