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Purple like a big bruise


Sabrina

We chart the ups and downs of fabulous fresher Sabrina as she trains to be a doctor.
Entry: 6

TheSite.org follows fabulous fresher Sabrina as she trains to be a doctor, and ends up on the operating table herself.

Where to start! Everything is in limbo at the moment, and I've decided to get it all out in the open because the internet is *the* place for crazy crap like this! So anyway, I was recently diagnosed with depression and anxiety. I've had depression once before when I was 15, and on and off self harming (haven't done so for almost a year and a half), but  I've been trying to ignore most of the signs and symptoms which have been creeping up for the past year or so. I thought that having a big change like starting university would have wrapped everything up nicely, but there is truth when they say you can run but you can't hide. My treatment is a combination of cognitive behaviour therapy (CBT) with anti-depressants. I'm on 20mg of citalopram and after getting through a host of horrible side effects - nausea, dizziness, trouble sleeping, shaking things seem to be improving. I start the CBT after my exams. 

The medical school has been sympathetic, and are helping all they can. I may have to resit my exams, but it has taken me years to reach a point where I can acknowledge that my health has to come first. I also got that in the form of a wake up call when I was at my once a week placement at the Royal Free Hospital. Walking back to class, I had a massive anxiety attack, and ended up in A&E. It was embarrassing, scary and just horrible. The staff were fantastic, and my tutor and friends came down to see me, and joked about the colour of my gown (purple like a big bruise) and were asking questions about what I was hooked up to (typical!). All the tests came back normal, but I've had to take it easy since then. I do have an ongoing grudge with my left breast, as all the ECG pads/leads were able to fit onto it! Still no news on the reduction. Time is running out, because I won't be able to take a lot of time out after my second year, and I still have to live with the pain in my shoulders, neck and back. Although, thanks to figleaves.com, I was able to get my first bikini since I was 16!

"I still remain single-by-choice (Durex and Duracell are firm friends of mine)"

Anyway, back to my emotional wellbeing. I do worry about the stigma attached to depression etc. I often sit in the lecture theatre wondering how many other medical students self harm/self harmed, or if they are having a form of therapy. I know how common it is, but I suppose it's like the giraffe that everyone can see in the room, but no one talks about, which worries me, because the course can be so physically and emotionally demanding at times. This is still quite new to me, with regards to treatment and such, so it's quite strange when your course involves learning about the care and wellbeing of others, when at the same time; you're trying to focus on your own health. I also have to be very careful with alcohol. My doctor said it is possible to drink very small amounts, but I've decided to stop drinking entirely. I only usually have a couple on a Friday night anyway, being the lightweight that I am, so I haven't found it too difficult.

Other than that, I had my final lecture of the year this morning. Time really does fly. I have exams to get through, then hopefully I'll be getting a job in London for the summer, while still trying to hunt for a flat (no luck yet). While I'm still happy with socialising and dating, I still remain single-by-choice (Durex and Duracell are firm friends of mine) and I have no intention of getting into anything until I feel more in control of my life. And on the plus side, no one can steal my half of the duvet!


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