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Community: Real Life

Those three little words


The dating diary

Tatti is a 19 year-old student who's discovering the crazy world of relationships. She's never been in love, but is having a great time learning all about men and finding out that uni relationships are far more complex than she could have ever imagined.
Entry: 3

Six months into her relationship, Tatti is getting philosophical about life and love, and questioning whether she should say those three special words to Mr X.

"He loves me, he loves me not," is a childish ritual that I secretly still resort to. The awful thing about having time apart from your loved one is the time it gives you to think about things. I'm an awful one for having negative thoughts and lately I've been wondering; 'What is love?'

I swoon over romantic cards and scenes from films; the wining and dining, the holding hands, the romantic surprises, the absolute understanding of another person and the cuddles in bed. But at the same time, I'm a liar because I don't actually believe in love. In reality, it's a sad truth that I honestly don't think that such a wonderful thing could ever happen to me and therefore, I have to abolish the idea entirely.

On the bright side, and to give myself hope, I've tried to rationalise this theory of 'love'. Perhaps it's more to do with companionship and a special liking for someone, more than anything else. I once read a quote claiming that 'Love is friendship on fire'. It's a bit cheesy, but it's the most hopeful definition I could ever give to the L-word.

The realisation

I've actually come to realise that I take the idea of love pretty seriously for someone who doesn't believe in it. I've been in a relationship with Mr. X for nearly six months and neither of us has even jokingly uttered those three words to one another. I'm serious. Is that weird? We haven't even been on a date, but that's another entry...

"S**t it looks like I've fallen... I really want to say it. I've been thinking about it and thinking about it."

What is love?

How do you really know when you love someone? Seriously, I'd like some suggestions please. Does it feel like the words just want to leap right out of your mouth? S**t it looks like I've fallen... I really want to say it. I've been thinking about it and thinking about it.

The doubts

Do I want to say it for the sake of saying it, or do I just want to say it, not just because I mean it, but because I'm desperate to feel secure? I'm aware that I'm nearing my relationship peak - the six month mark. This is the time when everyone leaves me and Mr. X is going to leave me this summer. It's almost inevitable and we've 'kind of' discussed it. My heart will be broken and so I'm holding back the words, regardless of whether I mean them or not, because I don't want to ruin the time we have left.

How long should it take to fall in love anyway? Six months doesn't sound much, but when you're seeing someone every day it sure as hell feels like it. How long should I keep up this façade? Is my current relationship actually worth it, if we don't even claim to love each other?

Just good friends?

Friends love each other after all, and I can honestly say in that sense, I have loved Mr. X since the first few weeks we spent together. I value him truly, as my friend. I often try to think why I may love him. Undoubtedly, I'm attracted to him. I love how he teases me and I love his dependence on me. At the same time he's sort of mysterious and confusing. He teaches me so many things, and I love listening to him. But as for private jokes and shared moments, we don't have any of those, and I can't say I believe Mr. X values me over anyone else.

I feel it would just be easier for him to be without me. But I hate saying that, because sometimes after a couple of drinks he says the most honest things. That's not love though is it? Could I do better? "He loves me, he loves me not, I love him, I love him not?" I guess I'll just leave it to fate.


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