Festival sex locations
The good, the bad and the incredibly stupid.
Your tent or mine?
Tents have a number of advantages when it comes to a quick romp, namely privacy of some sort, hopefully some condoms to hand, and a little bit of comfort, or at least shelter from the rain and a groundsheet. The more 'athletic' sexual positions are, of course, out of the question, unless you want to bang your head on the ridge pole (ooo-er missus) and collapse your temporary home.
Remember that the walls of your tent will allow your neighbours to hear every word and breath, and if you're camped out near to your mates they'll remember your mid-bonk mutterings forever if you don't keep the noise down. And another tasty tip: if it's night-time, think twice about leaving that torch or lamp on - you'll be providing an interesting silhouette show that can be seen for miles around.
In the mosh pit
Bodies slamming together, standing close up in the crowd most of the time... who will notice you slipping one in from behind? Well, the other people who are being crushed up against you might, and they can hardly run away. Plus, you might get trampled while your mind is on other things, or miss your favourite band. Although, on the plus side, your moans and screams will be drowned out by the crowd and the music.
Among the druids
When the plod finally turn up to arrest you for outrageous public decency, after 'completing detailed surveillance' for the first 20 minutes, you can say it was for sex majik to consecrate the sacred space. If you're lucky they'll take pity on you, mistaking you for a gibbering acid-crazed pair of lunatics, and you'll escape a caution or a little trip down the station.
If you're even luckier, there will be so many other rutting couples doing the wild thing in the same field that by the time the coppers get around to warning you, you'll be long gone and laughing. Choose long grass for cover, and watch out for sharp stones on the ground, falling unicyclists, and passing trainee jugglers dropping flaming batons nearby.
Up a tree
This one will get you out of the mud, and hopefully there will be enough foliage to cover your modesty, unless you're a complete exhibitionist. It has a 'getting back to nature' vibe, but be warned; positions are limited, as you'll be hanging on to the tree and your significant other for dear life.
As there aren't always plenty of trees in festival fields, you may also have to push other amorous couples off the lower branches before you can have a go yourselves.
In the portaloos
This one is for serious perverts/desperados only. And you're holding up the queue, you bastards!
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