http://www.thesite.org/stepfinder/blog.php/208-clutchingatstraws Step Finder - TheSite.org - Getting help with finding support in the UK en Fri, 24 May 2013 19:30:26 GMT vBulletin 60 http://www.thesite.org/stepfinder/images/misc/rss.jpg http://www.thesite.org/stepfinder/blog.php/208-clutchingatstraws http://www.thesite.org/stepfinder/entry.php/41-Talking-to-Friends-About-Self-Harm Tue, 01 May 2012 16:46:20 GMT

I started self harming about 4 months ago, just after one of my closest friends had told me he'd been feeling suicidal. I was the only person he'd told so I felt responsible for him. He means everything to me so the thought of losing him was too much to cope with.

I guess it felt like everything in my life was out of my control, I couldn't control how Ben was feeling, I couldn't control my feelings for my ex, and the fact my friend had just asked him out, and Ben had just told me he might be moving away for sixth form. Cutting was something I could control, no one could stop me from doing it, and in a way it made all the emotional hurt kind of go away. During those times I'd only focus on the physical pain, I could forget about everything else.

Supporting him when I was struggling too
I told Ben about my self-harm only a few days after I started. He was amazing about it, he asked questions but if I said I didn't want to say then he never pushed me. I never told him that he was the main cause of it. I knew that would just make him feel guilty, and he might stop confiding in me when he needed me. I just thought it'd be really selfish to tell him. Sometimes I'd be feeling bad and he'd text me saying he felt bad too, so I'd force myself to stop. I'd tell myself that me feeling this way wasn't going to help either of us, and I knew that Ben was worse than me. I had to be there for him.

I tried to stop cutting, but if I didn't cut then I started to feel suicidal. It only got really bad once or twice, but I didn't let Ben know until after, I didn't want him to worry. The only thing that really kept me going when I felt like that was Ben. I was pretty certain if I was gone then he'd really struggle, and he didn't, and never does deserve that.

Opening up to my friends
I've got better at managing my feelings recently, and although I still cut it's not as regular and never as bad. My friends know me really well, I show my emotions quite a lot, so as soon as I started to feel down they noticed and started bugging me about what was up. At first I tried to deny anything was wrong but everyone just kept asking.

I didn't really want to tell them, I guess I've always considered myself to be a strong person and I don't like to show anything wrong. With Ben I knew he wouldn't think I was being weak or consider it stupid, whereas I didn't think my other friends would understand. I also didn't want them to worry. It was worrying about someone that triggered most of my problems.

I kept getting told I needed to talk to someone, so to try and make them go away I told them I had spoken to Ben. They were offended that I'd told him and not them. In the end I told one of my friends and then another, and pretty soon all my close friends knew.

To be fair they were all supportive, but I regretted telling them. They kept asking why, which obviously I couldn't tell them. They kept telling me I should stop, and didn't seem to understand that I couldn't. After a while they stopped bugging me about it.

Knowing they were there for me did help, and I have told two of them everything now. I just couldn't hold it in anymore, and I am glad I told them. Neither of them really understood, but it still helped to tell someone.

One thing I'd like to say to anyone who self harms is, although it may not seem like it, things will get better. I know everyone says talk to someone, and for some people that might help, for me it made things more complicated in some ways but I've still overcome it. ]]> clutchingatstraws http://www.thesite.org/stepfinder/entry.php/41-Talking-to-Friends-About-Self-Harm http://www.thesite.org/stepfinder/entry.php/40-Helping-a-Suicidal-Friend Tue, 01 May 2012 16:41:57 GMT

Ben and I hadn't been friends for very long really, less than a year, but we've always been close. We first started speaking in lessons and quickly I realised I really liked him, as a friend and more. At one point he liked me too, and we did have a kind-of relationship but it never really worked out. After that, our friendship grew to the point where we told each other almost everything. He means everything to me and I couldn't live without him.

When I first found out my friend Ben was feeling suicidal I didn't know what to do. Obviously I wanted to support him, and make him feel better, but I had no idea how. Although he trusted me enough to tell me how he was feeling, he didn't trust me with most of the reasons why. At the time it was kind of frustrating that he wouldn't tell me, but looking back I can fully understand why.

The pressure of being the only one to know

When he told me, he made me promise not to tell anyone, a promise which I haven't been able to stick to, but for the first few months I did. I was the only person he'd told, so I convinced myself that if anything happened to him it would be my fault. He tried to make me see that it was his life and that I shouldn't blame myself. I'm grateful to him for that, but it didn't really help at the time.

I could always tell something was up, but never when he was feeling really bad. I guess it must have been a nightmare for him because I asked so often if he was OK. I had to know. If he hadn't told me, then he hadn't told anyone, and if he hadn't told anyone then anything could happen.

If we had fall outs over stupid things then I'd apologise constantly, because although he knew he could always talk to me, I knew he wouldn't come to me if we weren't talking. Luckily these never lasted more than a few days, but I worried constantly until we'd made up. I tried to get him to tell someone else, but it was his friends and family causing the problems. After a month or two though, once he'd started to trust me a bit more, he started texting me when he felt bad, so I knew when to help him.

Supporting him via text

He'd text me, usually quite late at night, just saying he felt bad again. That's all it took to send me into full panic mode, but I never let on to him quite how scared I was. Whatever I'd say to him it didn't seem to help. I never tried to ask why he was feeling so low, I just tried to focus on the positives, and try and at least get him to give it another day. He'd often say there were no positives and at times I got so close to breaking down myself. The only thing that kept me going was knowing that if I went, he'd go too, and he didn't deserve that.
I spent most of the time just reassuring him that I loved him, that I was always there for him, that I didn't want to lose him, and that all his friends felt the same way. I wasn’t sure if it made a difference but I reckon long term it did. Only being able to speak to him by text was hard but there was no other way to speak to him late at night. Quite often he'd stop replying, and although I knew he was probably fine, I couldn't stop thinking that he'd actually committed suicide. There were times where I sent 4 or 5 texts, getting more and more stressed before he'd reply. I did think about ringing him, and trying to comfort him that way, but I was usually so scared that I was in tears, and that wouldn't have helped him in the slightest.

I wish I could have been with him really, to just be able to hold him and tell him it would be OK, and if I really had to, then physically stop him from doing anything. I felt helpless by text, and like what I was saying wasn't sincere. It's hard to show how much someone means to you by text.

Looking back on it

I wish I'd have spoken to him at school or something, and tried to get him to tell me what was wrong when he wasn't feeling so bad. If he'd have told someone else too it would have been so much easier on me. I know what it's like to feel that bad though, and how hard it is to tell people, especially the ones who care about you. I don't blame him at all for that.

If I had to say something to someone in my position, it would be to try and get them to talk about it, but only when they're not feeling really bad. Let them know that you love them and that it will get better, and if you're really worried then don't be afraid to act. Luckily it never got that bad with Ben, and he's doing a lot better now. ]]> clutchingatstraws http://www.thesite.org/stepfinder/entry.php/40-Helping-a-Suicidal-Friend