http://www.thesite.org/stepfinder/blog.php/20-cherryontop Step Finder - TheSite.org - Getting help with finding support in the UK en Tue, 21 May 2013 04:08:21 GMT vBulletin 60 http://www.thesite.org/stepfinder/images/misc/rss.jpg http://www.thesite.org/stepfinder/blog.php/20-cherryontop http://www.thesite.org/stepfinder/entry.php/22-Bereavement-–-Barriers-to-getting-the-support-I-needed Wed, 11 May 2011 21:35:56 GMT Getting support for bereavement was hard. My friends were great but I didn’t want to talk to them about it and I felt bad about bogging my boyfriend down with it all. I didn’t feel like any of them would really understand what I was going through and I didn’t know how to communicate it to them. Every time I tried to talk about it I couldn’t find the words. I didn’t know about any support services and I felt quite alone at that point.

I decided to ask my GP about bereavement counselling. I felt embarrassed that I was asking for counselling so long after she had died, but I looked online and lots of people said that it was normal not to want counselling immediately after losing someone – it can take time.

It was difficult to get the first appointment because I worked in South London and lived in North London, so to go to an appointment often meant taking half a day off of work as it took so long (they were always running late) and then I had to commute the hour and a half back to work. I wanted to see a GP near to my workplace, but because it was a different borough I couldn’t. First I had to see my GP and explain the problem, then she referred me to a counsellor for an assessment, then she put me on the waiting list for a bereavement counsellor and finally I got my first appointment to talk about how I was feeling.

The problem was that by then I had already taken lots of days off from work to go to the appointments and it was difficult to come up with so many excuses about why I was missing work. I didn’t want to tell them the real reason because I didn’t want them to think it was affecting my work, but I worked in a small team and it was hard to keep something like that a secret and they were concerned about me as I was having so many doctors’ appointments.

It was tempting to give up so many times because it was such a long process but I persisted because I felt that I had to sort it out once and for all. The counsellor told me that because life was finally calm and stable for me, it was normal for the feelings that I had tried to push away to bubble up to the surface. It was difficult, but really useful, to talk to her. She offered me 12 sessions of support but she told me that she only had spare slots to see me at midday – which was impossible for me because that would mean missing a lot of work. I would have to go to work at 9am, leave again at 10.30 to get to the appointment for 12, then arrive back at work at 2.30pm once a week for however many weeks the counselling would last.

I decided that I couldn’t take that much time off work and cancelled the counselling sessions. She told me that if I needed to have counselling after 5pm I would have to see a private counsellor, but living in London just after graduating meant that I had huge debts and I could barely afford my food – there was no way I could afford private counselling.

Finally, I found support online. I used a forum that has since closed down unfortunately, but I also remember using the BBC website on bereavement - which has been developed and is really good and feels a lot clearer and more accessible than Cruse - to me anyway. Through this I built up the courage to explain to my best friend and my boyfriend what was going on for me. Losing someone can be really difficult, but I have learnt that it can really help to talk to people about it – even if they don’t know how it feels, they can help you to figure out how you feel. Now my other sister is older we talk about it a lot – I don’t want her to feel like I did. ]]> cherryontop http://www.thesite.org/stepfinder/entry.php/22-Bereavement-–-Barriers-to-getting-the-support-I-needed http://www.thesite.org/stepfinder/entry.php/21-Bereavement-–-Struggling-to-admit-my-feelings-of-grief Wed, 11 May 2011 21:32:41 GMT When I was 21 my sister died in a car accident. She was 18. I had just moved away to university and was about to come home to start my summer job for a couple of weeks.
Everything happened really fast. As I took the call I remember feeling a massive sense of responsibility towards my little sister - I didn't want to cry or react because she had no idea what was happening at the time and I didn't want to upset her. I wanted to protect her from the truth for as long as possible. I calmly put down the phone and acted like nothing was wrong. From not wanting to cry or react I ended up not knowing how to.

As my sister wasn't my biological sister I didn't know what to do with my grief and had no idea how I 'should' be feeling. She wasn't a ?real? sister, did that mean that my grief wasn't real? Of course we had grown up together, we had shared a room, we had shared stories of our first boyfriends, first kisses, first everything's - we were sisters, we just didn't have the same blood. Yet, I felt as if everyone was thinking, well, she's ok, it's not like they were 'real' sisters or anything?.

Not knowing what to do with my grief stopped me from talking about it. I didn't want people to think that I was using it to get attention or that I was wallowing. I felt like I needed to put on a brave face, 'chin up' and get on with things. People always say that time is a good healer; I thought that if I just got on with things then in time I would feel better. I went to work a week later and carried on like nothing had happened.

The previous year we had been working there together and I could see everyone looking at me for a response, looking to see if I was going to break down in tears, but I felt that if I could just carry on like normal then things would get back to normal faster and everything would be okay. People would forget about it and I could pretend like everything was fine. But, at the same time I was angry that everyone was just carrying on like normal. I just told myself it was a matter of time - all I had to do was get through the next few months and the feelings would pass and everything would be okay again.

In reality I wasn't fine. Most of the time I felt drunk on grief. It's a hard emotion to explain unless you have felt it - I felt like I wasn't really in control, like I was running on auto pilot and not thinking straight and at the same time there was a giant cave of sadness in my stomach. I withdrew from my friends, stopped going out and just stayed at home watching DVD's in the evenings.

Although the police offered us bereavement counselling after the accident, no one in my family took it. I think we were all still in shock and maybe it was offered too early. I felt that it wasn't my place to take it and at times I did feel okay, I wouldn't let myself feel bad about it and my family were staying strong for the sake of each other. Nobody wanted to break down ? so we hardly talked about it. Finally, I finished uni and moved to London. I got a good job, was in a stable relationship, had good friends and everything was calm for the first time in a long, time. And that's when the grief started to hit me. It was as if I had been running and running and finally I had stopped to catch my breath and it had caught up with me. I found that I was getting emotional at strange times for no reason, I didn't feel in control of my emotions and I didn't understand what was going on. I kept thinking about my sister more and more - songs, movies, girls in the street all reminded me of her - and I knew that because I'd never really stopped to deal with it, it was still there. ]]> cherryontop http://www.thesite.org/stepfinder/entry.php/21-Bereavement-–-Struggling-to-admit-my-feelings-of-grief http://www.thesite.org/stepfinder/entry.php/20-Barriers-to-accessing-drugs-services-fear-of-losing-a-child Wed, 11 May 2011 21:29:23 GMT Working in a service helping people affected by drug use means that I have heard a lot of stories about how difficult it can be to make those first steps to get help.

Firstly a lot of people worry about the confidentiality of it all - will they tell me parents - employer - doctor etc? Will someone see me going in the door? What if I know someone in there? Well, the best thing about services like that is that they are confidential and nothing shows up on the medical records. The building was also quite normal looking - no big flashing neon sign saying that it was a service for drug users.

One of the people that I met at the service told me about the problems she had when she first tried to get help. She was in her early twenties and had been using drink and different kinds of drugs for a couple of years, since her relationship turned violent. At first they used weed together and it was fun for them, but as the violence became more and more frequent she began to use it on her own to deal with the violence - as an escape. She also began to use ketamin and a few other things, depending on what she could get her hands on at the time.

Things became quite difficult for her - she wasn?t happy in her relationship but she didn?t feel like she could leave - they had a house together and a child. Her boyfriend told her that if she tried to leave he would tell social services about her drug use and she would lose her kid. At that point, she felt that she couldn?t cope and was smoking a huge amount of weed every day and her ketamin use was getting too much for her. She felt trapped - she felt like she couldn?t leave her boyfriend, but that she couldn?t stop doing the drugs either. Her drink and drug use had grown so big that she felt dependent on it, not physically, but mentally.

A few times she had looked online for support services or thought about telling her doctor, but she always changed her mind - petrified that she would lose her child, worried about what people would of her and scared about changing such a big thing in her life. But, at the same time, she wasn?t happy about the life she was giving her kid - was he really happy in a home where his parents were arguing half the day and using drugs the rest of the time? She wondered if she was setting a good example for him by staying with his dad, or setting a bad example by smoking and drinking.

On one particularly bad day she decided to talk to our services ? she had read online that it was confidential and she felt desperate so she decided to call us. We reassured her that she had done the right thing and gradually she began to use the service for support. She was still worried about losing her child, but we explained that yes - sometimes social services do get involved (if there is a concern about the child for example) but that doesn?t always mean losing a child ? that is often the last possible solution ? and getting support for drug use is seen as much more positive step than ignoring it and wishing it would go away. ]]> cherryontop http://www.thesite.org/stepfinder/entry.php/20-Barriers-to-accessing-drugs-services-fear-of-losing-a-child http://www.thesite.org/stepfinder/entry.php/19-Barriers-to-accessing-a-drugs-service-worries-about-whether-you’re-ready-to-quit Wed, 11 May 2011 21:21:58 GMT A lot of people are worried about getting help for their drug use because they think that they will be forced to give it up straight away and they're not always sure if that is what they want to do ? but getting help doesn't necessarily mean quitting completely ? depending on a person's circumstances it can mean cutting it down to a level that doesn't cause them problems, for other people it could mean quitting ? but over a period of time, little by little, cutting it down.
For other people, the best thing to do is stop straight away ? it depends on the person, the situation and of course the drugs that are being used.

A 21 year old guy came to our service through probation once. He had been caught dealing pills and had been told by the court to get drug treatment or go to prison.

During his sessions at the service he told us that he had thought about getting treatment a hundred times in the past, but that he never made it through the door. Finally, with the court and his probation worker forcing him to do it, he found himself in treatment for his drug use.

He told us that his main reason for not getting treatment before was nothing to do with the service; it was because firstly he wasn't sure if he was ready to quit, and secondly all his friends were part of the drug scene. Would quitting drugs mean quitting his friends? It was a question that he didn?t feel ready to answer ? so he kept socialising with them every weekend and with that came more pills. He swayed between wanting to quit using pills to not really wanting to ? a love / hate relationship.

He felt that if he went to a drug service that would be it ? he would be saying goodbye to that life completely. As he used pills more and more he gradually got involved with selling them ? just to his mates at first ? but on the day that he got caught by the police he had enough to put him in prison for quite a while.

As it was his first offence he was lucky and the judge gave him the opportunity to have a drug treatment program ? he had to come to the service every day for a certain number of months, get drug tested and get involved with the group work programs.

When he came to the service we explained that although he had to come to treatment, it would be his choice what he did ? if he decided to stop using the pills that would be up to him, how fast he did it would also be his choice and we would never force him to cut ties with his friends ? all we would do would be to offer him support and help him to figure out what he wanted to do to make his situation better.

After a few months at the service he made the decision to quit using the pills. He decided that they were causing him too many problems and realised that his drug use was getting in the way of what he really wanted to do ? make music. He moved house, put his CV together and got a job teaching music.

Last time I saw him he seemed really pleased with how everything had turned out for him ? he was still teaching and was making music in his spare time - he just wished that he had got help earlier, before getting caught dealing and having to go through the stress of court and probation. ]]> cherryontop http://www.thesite.org/stepfinder/entry.php/19-Barriers-to-accessing-a-drugs-service-worries-about-whether-you’re-ready-to-quit http://www.thesite.org/stepfinder/entry.php/18-Barriers-to-accessing-a-drugs-service-hard-to-get-the-time-off-work Wed, 11 May 2011 21:18:05 GMT Sometimes when we have problems, we know the solutions but things just don?t go our way. That?s what happened to a girl who I worked with once who had just graduated from uni and fell into a
pretty good job in the city. Along the way she got involved with using coke ? someone had offered it to her one night after work and little by little she used more and more until finally she was using far more than anyone else and it was no longer a Friday night thing, but an every night thing and it had gone from being something she did to have a good time with her friends to being something she did in secret, alone.

She realised it had gone too far and she knew that people at work were getting suspicious and she was worried about losing her job. She looked into getting some help but the opening hours of the drug services clashed with her work hours. She didn?t want to take more time off work (her coke use meant that she was getting into work late and throwing sickies a lot already ? she couldn?t risk taking more time off).
When she called the service to get an appointment she was told that she would have to come in for an assessment so she could find out exactly what sort of treatment would suit her best, then she would have to come in for a welcome session to find out what sort of things were on offer and finally she would get her first appointment to start her treatment. This added up to at least three mornings off work for her and as she was so panicked about taking more time off, she decided to leave it and try to go it alone.

A few failed attempts later and she found herself in her boss?s office. He told her that he knew about her drug use ? she?d done a pretty poor job of hiding it ? and lucky for her he wanted to help. Up until then she had been a good worker and he was worried about the change he had seen in her.

The human resources team had seen that sort of thing before and they offered to give her some time to get to the appointments to get help for her drug use, but on the condition that she stopped using the coke and started working harder at the office. If she continued to use coke and turn up late to work she would be fired, but they were giving her the opportunity to sort it out.

She took her chance and started going to group sessions, it took her a while but little by little she cut her drug use down and was aiming to stop altogether. She was lucky that she had such an understanding boss ? she said that she wished she had gone to him sooner rather than letting it get so far out of control ]]> cherryontop http://www.thesite.org/stepfinder/entry.php/18-Barriers-to-accessing-a-drugs-service-hard-to-get-the-time-off-work http://www.thesite.org/stepfinder/entry.php/17-Barriers-to-getting-support-for-drug-use-homelessness-and-lack-of-money Wed, 11 May 2011 07:21:56 GMT Sometimes our circumstances can be the biggest barrier to making those first steps and getting help, advice and support.

An 18 year old man told me once about how difficult it was for him to reach out and ask for help when he was doing crack, cannabis and drinking heavily. He was homeless at the time after being thrown out of his parent?s house for his drink and drug use. After that, he sofa surfed until his friends got sick of it too and finally he found himself living on the streets.
At his most desperate points, he?d stolen from the people he had cared about in order to support his drug use ? he felt that he didn?t have anyone left. He?d had a few jobs but it was hard to keep working when you?ve got nowhere to live and a drug habit. He could never raise enough cash to get a flat and the council waiting list for housing was too long - and to add to all that, his drug use meant he was often acting chaotically and he kept missing all his housing appointments.

He?d had a difficult upbringing and didn?t want to return to his family for help ? he decided that he was better off alone, but without cash or a job it was a struggle.
Life was getting a bit hectic for him ? he was in and out of homeless shelters and was struggling to live off the benefits he was getting, because when he wasn?t using the cash to pay for food, drink and drugs he was getting robbed by other people on the street.

He begged for a while but got a lot of abuse ? people didn?t understand why he was homeless and using drugs. It wasn?t because he wanted to, he said, it was because at that point ? he didn?t know what else to do. He felt that he couldn?t stay at home, but he didn?t know how to survive on the streets either.

Life had handed him a rough deal and, at 18, he was struggling to know how to fix it. He had met lots of people on the streets who were getting help for their drug use, but because he moved around a lot he could never keep to his appointments. He finally settled in a squat for a while and decided it was time to do something about it. He had met someone who had got off the drugs and had been helped to get onto a training scheme and was on the road to getting a new flat. He thought, well ? if that person can do it, so can I.

He used a pay phone to get an appointment, but because he didn?t have much money he couldn?t get the bus to the service to make it to his first appointment. After a number of missed appointments he was taken off the books and he had to go through the whole procedure again. Finally, he was asked why he kept missing appointments. He explained that he couldn?t afford the bus fares and that because of his drug use and the state his life was in, he kept forgetting when the appointments were.
In the end the service were able to give him a travel card to help him get to and from the appointments and gave him phone calls to remind him of when his appointments were. Little by little his drug use went down and his life started to get back on track. ]]> cherryontop http://www.thesite.org/stepfinder/entry.php/17-Barriers-to-getting-support-for-drug-use-homelessness-and-lack-of-money