Date repellant

Some nifty tricks to try out if you want to send your suitors running off to the hills screaming.

Appearance

Wear dirty clothes. Be sure to throw on something you've been wearing all week for that extra casual effect. You'll get bonus points if you have been hanging your outfit up on the floor every evening, and have food stains dribbled down your top.
The top prize goes to anyone who never uses anti-perspirant and works in a hot office, but only if they can wear their shirt or blouse two days in a row. Put your hands behind your head during your date in a relaxed way, and wow them with the concentric sweat rings that frame your armpits.
Don't wash for a few days. Tell yourself that it makes your hair all shiny, and your date is swooning from the effects of those sexy pheromones. Dandruff blizzards and freshly-picked acne are an added bonus.

Reach right over at the start of the date and snog them, using your tongue straight away. Brushing your teeth or using mouthwash before going out is cheating, and a diet of garlic bread, curry, and raw onions must be strictly adhered to during the week before your meeting.
Talk about yourself all night. Be highly entertaining and boast about previous sexual conquests. Exaggerate wildly about how much you earn, how much you drink, and how many famous people you know.
If your date is female, talk to her tits all night to show that you're really interested in her as a person. If your date is male, stare at a spot on his chin all night or make witty remarks about how disgustingly hairy his knuckles are.
Moan incessantly about your shitty ex-girlfriend/boyfriend, what a bitch/bastard they were, and how they never understood you. Throw in a few remarks about 'all women' or 'all men'.
Moan incessantly about your parents, what bastards they are, and how they don't understand you. The older you are, the more important it is to do this.
Moan incessantly about your boss and everyone you work with, what bastards they are etc.
Disclose all your personal information in one go. That includes the boil on your bum, your criminal convictions, your chlamydia infection, the fact that you're being sued by someone, and your membership of the British National Party.

Make loud slurping noises, drool, and talk with your mouth full for that sexy cement mixer effect. Go to the top of the class if you manage to spit food over your date while doing all this.
Get really drunk and obnoxious. Start crying. Throw up.
When the bill arrives, say: "You're paying, right?" This will make an even better impression if you've ordered the most expensive dishes on the menu.
Upon seeing the repulsed expression on their face, rub your hands together, squeeze their arse cheek really hard, then wink saucily and say: "Back to yours for a shag then?"