Floppy frustration
Question
My boyfriend and I have a really great relationship, but lately things have been going wrong in the bedroom. He has no problems getting an erection, but he just can't maintain it. He often loses his erection as he gets close to coming. Is this because of me? I am worried that he doesn't find me sexy anymore. It is becoming really frustrating and I want to help but don't know how. How can we resolve this problem?
Answer
You have taken a really positive first step in seeking help for your boyfriend. To reassure you, the fact that your boyfriend is having difficulties maintaining an erection does not mean that he is going off you in any way. In fact, it is often anxiety about being a good lover that can cause men to have difficulties like this.
Most men will have problems with erections at some time. Tiredness and alcohol or simply not feeling like sex are often causes of erection problems. In fact, at least one in 10 men persistently find it difficult to get or keep an erection hard enough to have sex, so it's a common problem. There can be psychological causes, with stress, anxiety and fear of failure being common factors. But sometimes the root of the problem lies in underlying physical causes that may need treatment.
You may find it helpful to talk to your boyfriend about what he is going through. Men, just like women, can feel sexually insecure. Talking and sharing your concerns with your partner is important, and may help to settle any worries that either of you have. Communication can be an important part of solving difficulties.
If you feel that you would benefit from talking to someone anonymously about this problem, you have a number of options open to you.
The Sexual Dysfunction Association might be able to help you to understand this issue more clearly and provide more specialist information. You can call their helpline on 0870 774 3571.
You and your boyfriend may find it helpful to visit your local Brook Centre where under 25s can talk to someone in confidence about anything to do with sex and relationships. You can have a chat with a counsellor and/or see a doctor there. Alternatively, call the freephone helpline on 0800 0185 023.
You could also approach your local doctor (GP) - some surgeries offer clinics for sexual problems or will refer couples on to specialists.
Updated: 05/10/2005
Question answered by YouthNet in association with Brook
