Winning them round
Question
I'm 23, live at home and have never really got on with my Dad. It's all coming to a head at the moment because of my boyfriend. I've been with him for five years and we're both Muslim but he's Arabic and I'm Pakistani. It's not a problem for us but both his and my parents refuse to accept the relationship.
My Dad has started to spread offensive rumours about me amongst friends and family, who are encouraging him. I thought I could trust them. I'm just so down about it all, I feel lonely and upset and my boyfriend is sick and tired of the problems our families are causing.
I don't know what to do or where to turn. Can you help?
Answer
It's clear you're going through a tough time, so you've done the right thing by finding the courage to speak up. It's important you know that there are people and organisations out there that can help.
Right now, it's easy to see how isolated you feel. Any kind of conflict with the family can be hard to avoid - simply because you have to relate to the people involved on a day-to-day basis. In this case, their issues with your boyfriend have clearly seeped into other areas of your life, so it's good that you've found the courage to speak up now. The fact is help is out there, and all problems can be overcome.
Essentially, you need to sit down with your father, and discuss the situation calmly. Often disagreements can get out of hand due to lack of clear communication. At the very least, he'll have to see that you're willing to make an effort to find a resolution that suits you all. It might require some careful negotiation and compromise, but if you can meet each other half way then both of you can feel you've gained something. This could take the form of agreeing to see your boyfriend in your father's presence, which might encourage him to realise what you see in him, and that he can be trusted to show you the respect he expects.
So long as you don't begin a conversation expecting a great victory, and instead aim for small concessions, in time you could still win him round. Essentially, he needs to see that you're a mature young woman who is capable of making sensible and informed decisions. You can do this, with patience and determination, as well as support from your boyfriend.
For further help, even if it's just a chat about the situation, contact The Muslim Youth Helpline on 0808 808 2008. Or if you'd like to talk to someone about how you're feeling you can contact SupportLine on 020 8554 9004 in complete confidence.
Updated: 26/01/2007
Question answered by Our Relationship Advisors
