What a chore
Question
My boyfriend and I have been going out for almost four years and we recently moved in together. The thing is, he never lifts a finger around the house - I'm always doing the cooking and the cleaning and it's starting to get me down. Should I accept that this is something I will always have to do because I'm female, or is there a way I can talk to him about this? I know it sounds trivial, but I really don't know how to approach the situation.
Answer
Sharing domestic duties is one of the major problems most co-habiting couples face, so be assured that this doesn't sound remotely trivial. Living together is a big step and as you've only done so recently, it's not surprising you have a few practical issues to sort out.
Nowadays, gender is rarely a factor in dividing up the household chores. Most couples have lifestyles where both people work or have other commitments outside the home, so these things should be allocated as evenly as possible. That said, we all have strengths and weaknesses and so are more likely to get on better with some chores than others. Also, you may find that you enjoy some chores more than others. Perhaps, based on these factors, you could both agree which chores are 'yours', for example if you like cooking the evening meals; your boyfriend could do the washing-up afterwards.
You have every right to expect some support from your boyfriend with the domestic responsibilities as you both live in the flat. Try to talk to him about this stuff sooner rather than later in order to avoid it becoming a bigger problem than it needs to be. Arrange a time to talk when you know you won't be interrupted and calmly explain to him that it appears he's assumed you'd take on all the chores around the house and that you're not happy with this. Let him know that it's really been bothering you lately and you're afraid your resentment about it will start to have a negative effect on the relationship. Suggest to him that you agree some kind of compromise that distributes all the responsibilities you have as a couple who live together and, if it helps, make a list and keep a rota of whose turn it is to do what.
It may take a bit of time for him to adjust so if he seems to have taken on board what you've said and is willing to give it a go, be patient. If he refuses to contribute then you'll need to think very carefully about whether this is something you can - and want to - live with, or whether it's an indication that the relationship doesn't have much of a future.
Updated: 25/05/2006
Question answered by Our Relationship Advisors
