Spice up my life
Question
I am 19 years-old and have been married for one year. The problem is, I'm beginning to feel a lot older than I am. My sex life has gone downhill because my husband and I work so much. I really want to do something romantic and special to show him how much I care but I'm not sure what. Do you have any ideas of what I can do and how can I improve my sex life?
Answer
It's easy for a couple's sex life to get into a bit of a rut, particularly when you've been together for a while. People tend to experiment a lot at the beginning of relationships and then fall into a comfortable routine. In addition, working long hours and stress mean that you don't have the time or inclination for sex as often and so, before you know it, your sex life has gone off the boil. But there's no reason why you can't make changes now and start spicing up your sex life.
Romance and sex are intimately connected, so it figures that if you can give your relationship a bit of a romance boost, your sex life will also get a boost. It's about making each other feel special again. Without knowing your husband and his tastes, it's very difficult to suggest something that he'd like. But given that you both work so much and that you feel that you're stuck in a rut, why not take him on a romantic weekend away somewhere, either in England or abroad? Sometimes, a change of scene and routine can be all you need to spice things up again. Couples tend to have much more sex on holiday than they do at home. If you don't have the time or money for that, what about a meal out at an intimate restaurant or a day trip to the beach or a beautiful location?
After the first few months of a relationship, spontaneous sex becomes a rare thing. You need to plan for it. Why not book a date with your husband? You could set aside a particular night each week for time together - a time when you turn off the TV, ignore the phone and just concentrate on each other. You don't have to have sex; just being together without interruptions will help you to feel closer.
If you still want to spice things up, why not go to a female-friendly sex shop and buy some sex toys, sexy underwear and things like silk scarves, which you can use to tie each other up with. It might also be a good idea to buy some books or erotic movies to read or watch together. You could even dress up in a sexy costume - like a secretary - and act out a role play together. Whatever turns you on! Talk to your husband about what excites him and find something that suits you both.
Having sexual needs and feelings is nothing to be ashamed of and it's important to be honest with your husband. It can be hard to be honest about sex, especially if you're concerned that your husband will take it as an insult on his ability to please you. But if you keep your thoughts inside it's likely you'll end up feeling resentful and frustrated.
The two most important things you can do for your sex life are to communicate with your partner and set aside time for it. Does your husband share your worries about sex or is he happy about the way things are? The closer you are and the more you communicate, the more likely you are to have sex.
If, after working hard to improve your sex life, you are still having concerns, you could try talking to a third party about it. Sex therapy can often help couples with ongoing problems - you can contact the College for Sex and Relationship Therapists (COSRT) for details of qualified sex and relationships experts in your area.
Updated: 12/03/2012
Question answered by Our Relationship Advisors
