Sexual secrets
Question
I've been with my girlfriend for six months. She's a virgin and although I'm not, I'm happy to wait until she wants to have sex. The thing is, I've slept with quite a few people and I'm not sure she really 'gets' it. She thinks I've only slept with three other women and I'm worried she'll freak out if I tell her the truth. Should I just stay silent?
Answer
In this situation, it's important to recognise the value of trust in any relationship. Trust forms the foundation of a relationship so any uncertainty on her part, or hidden secrets on yours, may lead to future problems. You could choose to keep quiet, but the fact that it's on your mind shows how much of an issue you consider it to be, and it'll clearly continue to play on your mind. That's why it's worth considering being open and honest; not just for the sake of your conscience, but because unburdening yourself can only free you up to make the most of your time together.
The key is to avoid surprising her with the brutal truth. Yes, it might come as a shock, but there's also the chance she'll only consider it to be a big deal because you've made it one. You say it'll make her freak out, but why should your past sex life have an impact on your present relationship? It's all part of your history; you wouldn't be the same person you are to her today had you lived the life of a monk. Even though she isn't aware of your sexual history right now, it will have shaped your attitude and outlook, and made you the person she loves and respects. So long as she knows you share her affections, this conversation can only clear the air and help you to build on the future.
Don't beat yourself up too much about what you've done in the past; instead, focus on the feelings of insecurity you're going through right now, and let her put your mind at rest. Even if she is shocked to begin with, you can be sure she'll find a way to accept it if you mean as much to her as she means to you.
Updated: 20/04/2006
Question answered by Our Relationship Advisors
