Sexuality shock
Question
My husband of four years - and the father of my two children - recently left me. He's been really depressed and very up and down for a while, and now he thinks he might be gay. I'm really confused - he has always loved women so this has come as such a shock. Could it just be that he is in need of medical help for his depression, which is making him confused?
Answer
You have obviously had a tremendous shock. This must be a very difficult and upsetting time for you and for your husband and you must feel under a lot of pressure. But there are people who can help both you and your husband to deal with this situation and resolve it.
It's difficult to say whether your husband's confusion about his sexual identity is a symptom of his depression or the cause of it. His depression might be caused by worries about his sexual identity, which have eaten away at him for years. Alternatively, he might be trying to find a reason for the way he's feeling and believe that it's because he might be gay. Either way, support would help him to get over his depression and tackle his feelings.
Has your husband had any help in dealing with his depression? This is a very common problem and there are many options to help people cope with it. Has he talked to anybody? If he has been dealing with this on his own could you persuade him to talk to someone? Depression is treated in a number of different ways, either with medication, counselling or therapy or a combination of these, depending on the individual circumstances. It would be very helpful if you could encourage him to visit his local doctor (GP), who will be able to refer him for counselling, if it's appropriate.
If he doesn't want to make an appointment, a good first step might be to call a confidential helpline dealing in mental health issues, such as Depression Alliance which has a confidential helpline on 020 7633 0101 for anyone concerned or affected by depression.
Either of you could also call the MindinfoLine on 08457 660163 or SANELINE on 0845 767 8000. They both offer information and advice on all aspects of mental health for those experiencing illness, or for their families and friends. Even if your husband doesn't feel able to ask for help yet, please call them yourself. This situation is obviously having a huge impact on you too and these organisations can help you cope.
It would also be a good idea for your husband to talk about his sexual identity crisis with someone who understands what he's going through. Why not encourage him to contact the London Lesbian and Gay Switchboard on 020 7837 7324. They provide information and help for anyone with questions or concerns about their sexuality (they cover the whole of the UK despite the name).
It's possible your husband is having a short-term identity crisis but it's also possible that he is gay. You'll need help to deal with either possibility, as it will have a huge impact on you and your family. It is hard, but try not to let this affect your own feelings of self-worth and self-belief. It might be very helpful to talk to the Family and Friends of Lesbians and Gays (FFLAG) on 01454 852418 to help you deal with your own emotions on the subject.
Think about how you feel about the future of your relationship with your husband. Do you want to try to work things out? Has he said he wants to try to make things work or does he want to end the marriage? How will you feel if he sorts out his problems and wants to come back? What about your children?
Some relationship counselling might help you both to talk about the impact this situation is having on your relationship, whether or not you decide your marriage has a future. In some areas, you can get relationship counselling on the NHS so it's worth going to see your GP to ask if you can be referred. Alternatively, contact the relationship counselling organisation Relate on 0845 130 40 10. If your husband doesn't want to go with you, you can have sessions on your own.
You obviously love your husband deeply but you mustn't be afraid to think of your own needs in all of this. Talk to someone you trust about your feelings and get as much support as you can from your friends and from the organisations listed here.
Updated: 06/06/2011
Question answered by Our Relationship Advisors
