Possessed by grief
Question
I'm really worried about my boyfriend. He's very possessive with me and I think it's because a few years ago the girl he was going out with died. I think it's still affecting him, even though he says it isn't. He still has loads of her stuff but won't let me near it.
We haven't been together long but he's always worried that I'm going to finish with him. He wants to know what I'm doing all the time and is constantly trying to plan every minute of our time. I feel like a caged animal but don't feel I can talk to him about it because I feel guilty about it. On top of all this, his granddad is dying of cancer at the moment so even if I did want to finish it I just couldn't.
What should I do? I'm worried that when his Granddad dies it'll get worse and I won't be able to have a life of my own. Is there any way I can help him so he doesn't get worse?
Answer
It sounds like your boyfriend is still deeply affected by his ex-girlfriend's death and that his grief remains remarkably raw. Taking these behaviours into consideration, plus the fact that he is possessive of you to the point where you feel like a "caged animal", it seems clear that something in this situation needs to change in order for you to find happiness in this relationship.
Despite the fact that your boyfriend's ordeal was horrendously painful for him, it is important for you to keep in mind that you deserve to be in a relationship that makes you feel happy, emotionally fulfilled and deeply satisfied. This might seem somewhat selfish, but in actuality it's not.
In order for a relationship to blossom and thrive, both partners need to get something out of it. It's not enough that you feel sorry for your boyfriend, or even that you're there to comfort him while he's going through a hard time with his grandfather. It's wonderful that you've been a supportive, caring girlfriend, but again, it's not enough. You need to feel fulfilled and happy too. You also need to feel as if you are in the relationship on your own volition and not because you're scared that your boyfriend will fall apart if you were to break up with him. That's a lot of pressure for you to have to endure.
Therefore, if you can, it's worth sitting down with your boyfriend and explaining how you feel. Try to tell him that you understand how hard his girlfriend's death must have been for him, and how hard it continues to be. It's important to try to make it clear that you understand and are there to lend a supportive shoulder. You might also want to suggest that he gets some help to come to terms with his grief.
Once he sees that you're approaching this situation from the perspective of an empathetic person rather than a jealous or insecure girlfriend, there is a good chance that he will be open to accepting help. A good place to start is Cruse Bereavement Care, which offers free, confidential advice and information to anyone affected by bereavement. Both of you can call them on 0870 167 1677. Alternatively, both you and your boyfriend can call Youth Access on 020 8772 9900. They can provide you with details of youth counselling services in your area. Perhaps a few face-to-face sessions with a trained counsellor is all your boyfriend needs to come to terms with what has happened to him in the past, as well as what's going on now.
At the same time, it's vital that you try to avoid being dragged too far into your boyfriend's problems. Being empathetic is one thing; being his sole support is another. As you haven't been together long it might be that this sort of emotional intensity is more than you bargained for. If that's the case, then you could consider gently extricating yourself from the situation before you get sucked deeper in. That doesn't mean that you have to drop your boyfriend like a hot potato; just that you can, if you want to, keep things more casual for the time being. Later, if he gets the help he needs, then you can consider entering into a deeper relationship with him.
It's important you think about what feels right for you. After all, your wants and needs are important too.
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Question answered by Our Relationship Advisors
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