Mum's the word
Question
I am 16 and my boyfriend is 17. I love him a lot but I'm not ready to have sex and he never pressures me to. The most we do is kiss and hold hands and we're both happy with that. The problem is, my Mum is convinced that we're having sex and won't stop going on about it.
I am getting good grades at school, and I help out at home with the housework, and never ask for anything. It just makes me sad that she is always presuming my boyfriend is always on my mind and is too much of a distraction.
How do I talk to her about this and make her realise how wrong she is?
Answer
It's clear that you want to do the right thing here. By going through your options, hopefully you'll be able to find a way forward that feels most appropriate to you.
Your relationship with your mother is clearly intense, but it's also evident that she cares for you a great deal. The way she's expressing this might be driving you up the wall, but as long as you can recognise her intentions you'll find addressing the situation together much easier.
You also seem to have a healthy attitude to sex, and what it might or might not mean for your relationship. The fact that you've decided sex isn't for you right now just shows you're switched onto your needs and emotions, and for this you can only hope to gain your mother's respect. The key is in proving it!
Unfortunately, there is probably nothing you can say to convince her that you're acting so wisely, and choosing to enjoy a relationship without sex. The best approach right now is to use actions rather than words. Prove it in the way you behave - so if your boyfriend is around on a regular basis, and you're not disappearing into the bedroom, then she'll come to accept your word.
At the same time, try to stay cool when she makes accusations about your love life. If you don't rise up to it, then you're not giving her any cause to be concerned. From her point of view, she's coming to terms with the fact that her little girl is now growing up into a young woman. In time, you'll get the freedom you deserve to make decisions about how you lead your life - and you'll get there quicker by staying calm and conducting your relationship in exactly the same way as you have done this far.
Updated: 08/11/2005
Question answered by Our Relationship Advisors
