Liar, liar
Question
For a while now I've felt like my husband is lying to me about things. His stories are inconsistent and I have a gut feeling that won't go away. How can I move on?
Answer
Often when lies or misunderstandings creep in to a relationship, it's a good indication there are problems with communication. It's not uncommon for couples who've been together for a while to make assumptions about how the other is feeling and therefore to forget to check out how things really are once in a while. This second-guessing can carry on for long periods of time if no obvious difficulties arise, but not surprisingly, it almost always leads to a confrontation in the end.
It's possible you and your husband have lost touch with each other and without realising it, have begun this game of second-guessing. So, rather than deliberately lying to you, maybe he isn't being entirely up front with the truth. This could be because he's made an assumption about how you'll react, which might be a million miles away from your actual response. This in turn is making you feel insecure around him and it's beginning to drive a wedge between you.
It's also possible your partner is lying and you may be about to discover that he's not the person you thought he was. Whatever the reasons for your concerns, it will be impossible to rid yourself of the hurt and uneasiness you feel without talking this stuff through with him. Baring your soul and asking him to do the same might feel very frightening, particularly if you've fallen out of the habit of talking openly to one another, but this is the only way to properly understand what's going on.
Let your partner know that you want to have a long chat about your relationship and agree on a time when there will be as few distractions as possible. Be as honest with him as you can and ask him to do the same. If what's happening between you is mostly a misunderstanding, you should be able to work things out. If it's more complicated or if you still don't feel he's being truthful, it's probably worth considering seeing a couple's counsellor.
Sometimes when couples find it hard to negotiate their own problems it can be really helpful to involve an objective third party whose job it is to mediate and help couples come to a compromise. For more information and advice on couple's counselling contact Relate on 0845 130 40 10.
Updated: 08/11/2005
Question answered by Our Relationship Advisors
