Let down and lonely

I had a really great friendship with a girl, which grew over many months. We were comfortable around each other and used to text each other like crazy. Gradually, I realised I'd fallen in love with her.

A few weeks back, I decided I had to let her know how I felt before she left for university. So I told her at the sixth form ball. She didn't feel the same way about me - obviously I wasn't too happy about this, but what's really upset me is that I've also lost the great friendship we had. She barely texts me now and I don't see her around anymore because everyone's got summer jobs and doing their own thing.

I saw her recently in a big group but it was so painful as we barely made eye contact - and she was flirting with one of my friends! I can't help feeling that I've lost her forever, even as a friend. It's left me feeling down and I'm not having as much fun doing anything as I used to. I've even lost touch with my other friends lately and I worry I'm barely going to know them anymore when we all go off to different universities.

Professing your love to someone can be fraught with uncertainties. Sometimes the object of your affection feels the same way and a new relationship is formed. At other times - sadly, as is the case here - the one you love doesn't feel the same way and a once-strong friendship becomes awkward and uncomfortable. The disappointment you must have felt, and continue to feel, is understandably very painful.

In your situation, you and your friend shared something that was clearly very special. You were comfortable around each other and spent a great deal of time together. The problem is, once you professed your love for her, things fell apart. From the sound of it, your friend began acting distant as a defence mechanism. She probably felt awful about letting you down, and instead of communicating her feelings openly and honestly, she opted to shut down completely. While her behaviour obviously made you feel horrible, it might help you to realise that she probably didn't know how else to react. Blanking you seems to be her way of coping.

Being treated as if you're invisible is a horrible feeling. Not only do you feel weird around her in social situations, you clearly miss what you once had: a close and wonderful friendship. If it's possible, you might want to sit down with her and talk about the situation. Perhaps if she realises that you can still be friends with her despite the fact that it can't lead to more, she might let her guard down. Your friendship might never be exactly the way it was before, but in time there is a chance that the situation might improve.

If, however, she isn't able to go back to being friends with you, then you really have no choice but to accept the situation for what it is, and move on. There is also the possibility that being friends with her might be too hard for you to handle. After all, if you are constantly longing for what you cannot have, how good can it feel for you? Perhaps putting some space between you and your friend, at least for the time being, might be the best thing for both of you.

What's more, it seems as if the situation with this girl has put a damper on your desire to interact with your other friends as well. Although it is tempting to want to opt out of socialising completely, it might be best to fight the feeling and get out there again. Take stock of your life, and think about what you enjoy doing. What makes you feel connected to your family, friends, and community? Perhaps there is an interest you have always wanted to pursue but haven't had the chance to consider. Or maybe there's a voluntary opportunity, such as caring for animals or reading to the elderly, which might bring you back to life. With time on your hands, now is the perfect time to explore your options. You will see that once you start participating in life rather than watching it pass you by, you will be happier and miss your friend less. That is not to say that you won't miss her entirely. Of course you will. But you will have other things going on in your life that mean something to you.

Updated: 21/07/2006

Question answered by Our Relationship Advisors