Lacklustre lesbians
Question
I'm a lesbian, and love my partner very much, but our sex life is in trouble. I've tried discussing it with her, but either she's unwilling to discuss it or makes promises about sorting it that she never keeps. Frankly, my patience is wearing thin, so where do we go from here?
Answer
Relationships are always complex, as your situation demonstrates. It means that whenever a specific difficulty like sexual incompatibility arises, it can quickly impact on other areas of your life together. All problems can be overcome, of course, but it does demand clear and honest communication from both sides.
Only your partner can say why she's so reluctant to address the difficulties in your sex life. You can't force her to do so, and if something is holding her back then it might be worth opening up the conversation to address the shape of your relationship as a whole.
So long as you're supportive and non-judgmental this will give her every opportunity to enter into a constructive dialogue. You say she's willing to seek outside help, but hasn't acted on that promise, so why not encourage her further by suggesting couple counselling? Having an objective third party can be incredibly useful in helping couples resolve their differences, and might just be the stepping stone she needs. Contact Relate on 0845 130 40 10 for advice and a list of qualified couples therapists in your area.
It's great that you recognise your love for her, but if the situation doesn't change it could breed deeper resentment. Everyone has a right to feel good about themselves, after all. So, if enjoyable sex is an important part of a relationship for you, but just isn't happening, you do need to consider moving on.
Sometimes relationships run a natural course. Despite your efforts, it doesn't mean you will have failed. If anything, making a clean break shows a sense of responsibility - not just for your feelings but also for hers. Only you can decide how to act from here, of course, but having laid out your options hopefully you can find a way forward that feels right for you under the circumstances.
Updated: 25/11/2005
Question answered by Our Relationship Advisors
