Labelling love

I'm 16 years old and a virgin. I've started to think I might be gay, even though I've never really done anything with anyone. How can I find out for certain without actually doing it with another bloke?

A person doesn't have to have sex in order to figure out whether they're gay, straight, bisexual or transgendered. Sexual orientation is about much more than that, it encompasses your heart, mind and soul, not just your sexual organs.

So rather than sticking to the outdated equation of sex = sexual orientation, it might be helpful for you to talk to people who have also questioned their sexual preference, and see what they have to say. The London Lesbian and Gay Switchboard (020 7837 7324) is an excellent place to start (even if you don't live in London). You can call their helpline on 020 7837 7324 24 hours a day, they offer emotional support for anyone worried about their sexuality. And the people on the other end of the phone have all gone through what you are going through now and are happy to lend a sympathetic ear.

It's also worth knowing your sexual orientation is not necessarily set in stone; it may still be emerging. For that reason I'd caution you against slapping a label on yourself or choosing one sexual preference over another (that said, sexual identity is not a choice; it's part of who you are). Instead, you might want to ask yourself some important questions: Do you fancy guys, or girls, or both? Does the idea of having sex with a guy appeal to you or repel you? What about sex with a girl? Is it a nice thought or does it make you feel a bit uneasy? The point is, once you get a better idea of where you're at, you'll be better equipped to come to some conclusions. In the meantime, there's no time pressure to decide either way, so don't rush it.

Finally, it might help you to keep in mind very few people are 100% homosexual or 100% heterosexual. Sexual attraction can be an ambiguous thing, and the lines can be blurry. So, if labelling yourself feels wrong for you now, don't worry. You've got plenty of time to sort things out, all in your own good time.

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Question answered by Our Relationship Advisors

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